RetroPost: 6.25.05

{Saved from Xanga} Well, here it is... the weekend. But here I am... at my parents' house still in my jammies wondering if Billy is still pissed off at me. This is a situation that just keeps popping up... it always has ever since we moved in together nearly three years ago. Sometimes, I just really don't want to be touched. Billy always wants to touch me. Actually, it's not so much being touched- I like that. It's how he touches me. A caress here, a little kiss there... that's cool and makes me feel loved. When he grabbed me last night, I knew that the point was he wanted to "make love". But like I said before, when it was forbidden and exciting, I was all for it. Now that it's expected, seeing as we're married, I could take it or leave it. Sometimes, it's fun and wonderful. Usually, it's not. I've never said that straightforward, it would kill him. It pisses him off so bad when I push him away. I expect that this day is going to be spent convicing him of... something. But I don't know how to explain it to him. "I'm sorry but when you grab me like that I think you'll want sex and I rarely want to have sex with you so please stop and we'll have a good relationship. Talk to me when we're ready to have kids. Then we'll see." ...? I don't think so. That would kill any shred of a possiblility that our marriage could be happy. Honestly, I don't know how to fix it. I HATE being tickled. I HATE being carressed when I just want to be left alone. I HATE telling him to stop and seeing the crestfallen look on his face, knowing the one he wants doesn't want him. He pushes too hard. I told him that once. It turned into a two day fight. I don't want that again but he won't listen to me. I sound crazy. I am crazy. We haven't even been married two years. How can I deal with this problem for the rest of my life?!?