RetroPost: 6.30.05

{Saved from Xanga} Today is, well, THE DAY. The worst day of the year, ending the worst month. June is always bad. June is our bad month. Always has been. Since the beginning. June 30 is our bad day. Always has been. Since the beginning. 2002 started it... Billy's dad died. 2003... A good day actually, until the night. Billy tweeks... breaks a tree... All hell breaks loose and such. 2004... Not a bad day either, really. Until we get home and my baby kitty, Aisha, was dead. I will never get that mental picture out of my head. Seeing her like that, puking in the weeds next to the driveway. Driving the little kittens down to Fallon, crying. Holding Bear cuz she was scared of being in the basket. We have eight hours to go to get thru this day. Scary thought considering the last two years have proved THE DAY to be fine until evening. I'm so scared. God help us, please. Please break this insanity.

RetroPost: 6.29.05

{Saved from Xanga} Blargh... I'm exhausted. The night before last we we're up until 2 am talking to Noah about Missy. Then last night, Billy and I finally had that pent up blow out... Painful, that it was. Is everything fixed? Hopefully. I think the only thing that will stick with me from that fight was, " You're not always a good f*ck either, Jill, but I would never fake..." That was pain. For both of us. But now things are pretty much back to normal. Other than the fact that I could fall asleep at any moment, that is. Just THUNK right on the counter. Hopefully, we have a really relaxing night. I don't even think I really want dinner. Maybe we'll stop by the store and get cereal... That sounds pretty good, actually. Cereal and scary Asian movies. Sounds like a good night. In other news, I finally got a raise!!! WOOT! It's only up to $8.50 but hell. I can't complain too much. More money is more money. OMG, I'm going to fall asleep!!! Damn, work blows sometimes. I sure do wish I had some leave hours. I don't think we'll be able to go on an anniversary trip this year. If I could just get eight hours saved up by the end of September, we could have a three-day weekend... I don't know if it's even possible tho'. I'll have to figure it out. Amazingly, I'm only 2 WOWs away from 2 1/2 hours of leave. I have to do amazing things. So, yeah. Well, I think I'm done for the moment cuz I can't concentrate right now. Later!

RetroPost: 6.28.05

{Saved from Xanga} Nope, I was wrong about skipping my indescretions. I can still feel the tears in my eyes, dried in the corners- the ones I wouldn't let escape. Tears of shame drop hot on days like these. We've had some rough spots in our relationship- as boyfriend and girlfriend and even more so as a married couple. This one, unfortunately, is panning out to be at the top of the list. It's so painful because I have no idea what's going on. I wish we could just let it go, but it's not that easy. Billy is hurting profoundly. There's no easy outs. We have to fix this. I don't know how. "Sometimes, I think I have it together. Most of the time, I don't."

RetroPost: 6.27.05

{Saved from Xanga} It seems as tho' we've been able to skip over my last indiscretion. Billy left well enough alone- so I didn't persue the situation. Hopefully I can figure myself out. In lieu of fighting, we ended up having a kick ass Sunday together. We started out our day sleeping in. Upon walking out into our disastrous living room and seeing all the dog hair everywhere, I decided it was Doggy Bath Time. I got into my swimsuit and grabbed Raven, but I couldn't get her collar off which brought me to Billy who decided me in my swimsuit was just too much sexinessesses... and he had his way with me... Then we took a nap... After our nap, I actually got around to washing the dogs. Raven picked out the oatmeal shampoo that smelled awesome. In washing them, I found out where all the hair was coming from... Puka!!! Good God! After cleaning out the shower and taking one myself, we had a PB&J breakfast while watching Knight's Tale. Yay! Then, Billy decided he wanted to clean the house, an idea I was none to keen on. We settled on cleaning his room together and then seeing where we went from there. We hella got his room looking kick ass- mainly because part way through I decided when were done we should go to Reno and buy Spiral and get spring rolls. That totally got us going so we could get to Best Buy in time. Which we did. Then we had an awesome time in Reno together. We got Spiral (woot!) and an Asian horror movie. I'm so addicted... Then we had Taco Bell for lunch (hee hee) and stopped by Pho for our dinner for later. From there it was the Asian store for candy which seemed great until this morning when I tried to enjoy my iced coffee.. expiration date: May 18. GROSS!!! So now I don't know if I trust them anymore... So, anyway, we went home and cleaned the whole frickin' house practically. All I have to do now is our room including the bathroom and closet and my room and of course general organizing of cupboards and whatnot. I'll probably get a lot done tonight even! So... while Billy straightened the shed, I picked up an entire garbage bag full of trash that the dogs dragged outside!!! Slobs... (us and the dogs!) Then, we watched our anime until sleepy time! What an awesome day. I'm not usually one for journal entries that are a blow by blow of my day, but it was the most relaxed I've been in ages and I want to remember it... Hurrah! ~Serenidy~

RetroPost: 6.25.05

{Saved from Xanga} Well, here it is... the weekend. But here I am... at my parents' house still in my jammies wondering if Billy is still pissed off at me. This is a situation that just keeps popping up... it always has ever since we moved in together nearly three years ago. Sometimes, I just really don't want to be touched. Billy always wants to touch me. Actually, it's not so much being touched- I like that. It's how he touches me. A caress here, a little kiss there... that's cool and makes me feel loved. When he grabbed me last night, I knew that the point was he wanted to "make love". But like I said before, when it was forbidden and exciting, I was all for it. Now that it's expected, seeing as we're married, I could take it or leave it. Sometimes, it's fun and wonderful. Usually, it's not. I've never said that straightforward, it would kill him. It pisses him off so bad when I push him away. I expect that this day is going to be spent convicing him of... something. But I don't know how to explain it to him. "I'm sorry but when you grab me like that I think you'll want sex and I rarely want to have sex with you so please stop and we'll have a good relationship. Talk to me when we're ready to have kids. Then we'll see." ...? I don't think so. That would kill any shred of a possiblility that our marriage could be happy. Honestly, I don't know how to fix it. I HATE being tickled. I HATE being carressed when I just want to be left alone. I HATE telling him to stop and seeing the crestfallen look on his face, knowing the one he wants doesn't want him. He pushes too hard. I told him that once. It turned into a two day fight. I don't want that again but he won't listen to me. I sound crazy. I am crazy. We haven't even been married two years. How can I deal with this problem for the rest of my life?!?

RetroPost: 6.24.05

{Saved from Xanga} Soooo... yeah, I think I'm really sick of this particular job. It's been a year and I have more responsibilities than my pay equals. Give me eight bucks, I'll give you eight bucks worth of work then I'm done. I'm here for the paycheck ONLY. I'm not going to go above and beyond for something that is so trivial in my life. Granted, I really like being a teller and I'm good at it. Do I ever want to be a loan officer? No. Anyway, when I was receptionist, I'd do their busy work... That was my job. It's not anymore. I'll do it when you hand it to me but I won't like it! And don't give me a song and dance about how to file the frickin' denials!!! I don't care how important it is- I just found a stack of them that have been in a drawer for easily a month and I don't see anyone asking for them. I didn't mean to leave them in a drawer, I was pretty surprised to see them at all. Either way, it was proven how trivial that was too. I'm so sick of working in general. Leave me be and let me be a teller. (Sorry for the vent.- Good God, is it the weekend yet???) ~Jilli~ Sidenote of life: I'm assuming that our future baby will be a Gerber Baby just as our "babies" now are Purina Pets. We're name brand parents.

RetroPost: 6.23.05

{Saved from Xanga} I think I could've been in a good mood today if I didn't have OBLIGATIONS tonight. I want friends, (who doesn't) but this is getting really ridiculous. What they don't understand is the difference of a shite-y high school relationship and my total bitchness as a friend, and a marriage complete with a non stop kind of life with responsibilities. Now is the worst time ever to try to repair this friendship... I know it's all a big misunderstanding that has never had the chance to be explained in the last three years, but not tonight!!! I'm still trying to keep Billy happy since I've been being a bad wife while at the same time trying to repair the friendship that needed work like 4 years ago. Four years ago to the day actually. Yup. I'm so sick of this bullshit. I don't even know if it's worth it at all. And all this in the wee hours (well, days) before JUNE 30. 'Nuff said... ARGH!!!! Help me please. I can't take it anymore!!! Jill!

RetroPost: 6.21.05

{Saved from Xanga} I am feeling exceptionally BLAH today. My day started with yet another blast from the past... Whitney Goings, my little boy band friend of freshman year, came in to pay her mom's loan. It was cool to see her after all this time but it totally slammed me into the wall that blocks me from having really good self esteem... The last three years has taken her from cute high school girl to completely gorgeous college chick. There was a few seconds before she figured out who I was, out of context and all that, but when she said, "I didn't even recognize you!" I got so self conscious I didn't even know how to deal with it. I'm thinking, "Yeah... that's what an extra 40 pounds and total exhaustion in life will do to ya..." Which has been resounding in my head all day and being the person that I have become, I fed it with chocolate at lunch and will continue to feed it with ice cream later this afternoon. Good Lord, I'm in such a downward spiral... help me please... , Jill

RetroPost: Back Again

{Saved from The Nest} Trying to get back into the mix of things, always seems hard. I think I need another vacation, yes already. ^_^ but yeah dealing with work and martial arts takes up all my time. I'd love to just forget it all, and do nothing... oh well. Well my wife and I are getting close to our 2nd anniversay. Wonder what we'll do? At this point we got no clue. At least we are getting better at talking once more. Things seemed to hit a wall on our communication to each other, not sure what happened all I know was something would happen, then it would be my fault, then later on it wouldn't be. I wasn't sure if I was to be upset or sorry? So thats slowly being taken care of thankfully. Not sure I could take much more....-_-;;; But now things are moving forward again, as we both can't wait to see each other at the end of the day cause lunch would have been 3 hours before that. I love being in love! Its great. It makes me stronger and gives me confidince in myself and in my relationship. Seeing all those peole who are just married and have no love, their misserable sad little exsistace hanging on by the 4 letter word “Love” by neither of which really mean, but still rarely use. I cna't think of a day when Jill and I haven't said “I love you” less than 3 times a day. So yeah its good! I Love you baby! Billy

RetroPost: 6.20.05

{Saved from Xanga} Laundry... almost done. House... dirty. Not completely. Stomach... empty. Not entirely looking forward to sub sandwich provided by the workplace. Today is supposedly "Employee Appreciation Day". I will feel appreciated if 1) I get a raise or 2) I actually get drawn in the drawing for a nifty summertime prize. One week and one day until my official one-year anniversary here. I was antsy for a raise 6 months ago. Compensation problems. Yup yup yup. Well, anyway. I get to go home again tonight and do more laundry!!! Almost lunchtime. One step closer to... laundry. Could be worse. Hey, I'm even sorta looking forward to it. -K- I'm too hyped for lunch to write anymore... Jilli

RetroPost: 6.17.05

{Saved from Xanga} Thank God it's Friday. A weekend without anything expected of me... That's nice. I'm going to kick it off by hanging out at home by myself and doing laundry while Billy goes to class. I hope it beats the grump out of him. He's exasperated by working for my dad today. It makes sense and I know he can't work there forever... but it's convenient at the moment. Not very lucrative, but convenient nevertheless. Anyway, laundry. We've let our house go. Again. It seems laundry and dishes are the two key points that keep our house from looking it's best. It's nasty. Kevin is coming to visit in a few weeks and it has to be in at least decent shape or we'll give him an asthma attack. So... I'm annoyed with being here and pretty "blah" about doing anything. It's strange. The new girl is so gung-ho about helping people and she's being a little too efficient. Rargh. Weekend, here I come! ~ Jilli~

RetroPost: 6.16.05

{Saved from Xanga} Being aware of your own mortality is an uneasy feeling. Yesterday I found out a girl from my class was murdered. I can't stop thinking about it. We were friends in junior high but not in high school. Either way, she was someone you could describe as "full of life". I haven't shed a tear for Shelby Ako but her death and the few childhood memories I have of her weigh on my mind heavily. It's funny. I always remembered her birthday since it was exactly two months before mine. So if I live to August 11th, I will be older than she ever got to be...

RetroPost: 6.15.05

{Saved from Xanga} What is wrong with me?!? It was so wonderful when it was forbidden... I couldn't get enough. Now that it's pure and oh so expected... I don't want to be touched. Good lord... Help...

RetroPost: 6.14.05

{Saved from Xanga} Yep, yep. They keep feeding us and thus I actually made a mistake today. Not so much the food I ate, but the bitching I did. Sorry Billy! If this is going to be a way of life, I can't do that again. If I'm so inclined, I will eat a frickin' Spicy Chicken Burrito. In either case, I've learned how fatty it actually is and next time I'll get a Grilled Steak Soft Taco with no creamy lime sauce. I really DO need an attitude adjustment as my mum always told me as a kid. Get over yourself, little girl. Until you learn to do that, you'll just be the shy fat chick with an unadventurous life... Perking up... , ~Serenidy~

RetroPost: 6.13.05

{Saved from Xanga} Well, it looks like cereal for dinner which I'm OK with. My parents keep taking us out to lunch. I'm not gorging like I usually do but I'm not being wonderfully good. I could've been, but I didn't feel like salad. In other news, Faith is in with Linda right now for her one-year review. That means I'm up soon which hopefully means a raise. I certainly hope so. Eight bucks an hour can only go so far. We're doing OK, but the sad thing is if we were to have a kid right now with our salaries, we'd easily qualify for welfare I'm sure. I guess the sadder thing is that when I go to the health nurse we don't even claim Billy's pay and we still pay more per pill pack then most! OK, I'm bored. See ya! Jilli

RetroPost: 6.11.05

{Saved from Xanga} Well, so far so good. I've only done two stupid things as far as this body overhaul goes. First, I went for a walk. In my work shoes. Blisters!!!! Aargh. Then, yesterday, while I didn't gorge like I usually do, I did go to the Mexican stand at Lattin Farms and had a yummy gordita. This in itself wasn't the mistake. The name of the game is "moderation". Unfortuately for my tastebuds, I made up for it with this heinous nutritional bar. It sounded OK when I bought it but it didn't taste very good. Nevertheless, it filled me up all right. Then I had a cookie but I only had one so I was proud of myself. Go me! Anyway, the reason I had the urge to write was because of the article I just read. The Backstreet Boys are coming out with a new album on Tuesday. I was surprised to read it's been nearly five years since Black and Blue. Can it be? Yes, it can. I remember that day since I crashed my car. Good lord time passes so fast. I was also surprised in how much I'm actually looking forward to it. Some things you just don't grow out of I suppose. It was my decree to KTBPA forever. Hard to believe that started when I was in junior high. Almost eight years ago... Jeez. I hate time. If only I could have more control over it... Being able to go back... No more of this crazy talk. The past is where it belongs. ~Jilli~

RetroPost: 6.9.05

{Saved from Xanga} I have been informed today that I have gained 11 pounds in the last year. That means I have gained exactly 41 pounds in the three years since high school. That's an average of 13.67 pounds a year! That's terrible. The fat bus stops here, my 41 friends. You will now be murdered one by one. I can no longer stand the sight of you. Goal #1: Get rid of the disgressions of 2004. (168) Goal #2: Get rid of the disgressions of 2003 and get out of the overweight category. (154) Goal #3: Get rid of the disgressions of 2002 and get back to my original happy weight! (140) Goal #4: Enjoy and maintain! WOOT! For real this time, y'all. Luvz! *Jilli Bean!*