My December

Oh, December. The end of the year? Really? Holy cow.
We are in such a different place than we were at this time last year. We are completely out of credit card debt. Hell. Yes. The absolute pride I feel in that accomplishment is unbelievable. After finishing that monumental goal a full four months early, we have given ourselves some reprieve from the snowball. The reprieve ends in T-minus 6 days and counting. Billy's school loans are out of grace officially on the 7th. But oh what a wonderful time it's been, actually being able to do happier things with our money! For our anniversary we bought a new living room set (couch, entertainment center, rug, curtains) since all of our stuff was completely dilapidated. Then, our dryer completely died. We've been keeping it alive but this time it really bit it. I trolled Craigslist, trying to find something that would work. A couple popped up but then it just didn't happen. Good thing too since Billy & Kevin gave Black Friday a whipping and got me a brand new set of Kenmore front loaders at Sears for $600. SQUEE!!! Plus, Billy got his Kitchenaid and I got a sewing machine. We've set aside money for trips, Christmas, Keiren, emergencies, started the "navel" fund so I can get my belly button back... All of this in CASH CASH CASH! Never again credit cards! Mwah ha ha ha! Take that!!!
Phew. Now it's back to the snowball, in force. The new plan is to continue to attack the second mortgage, while attempting to refinace. If both mortgages can be lumped into one at a much lower interest rate, the snowball will shift to attacking the student loans. I'm going to play the next couple months by ear since Billy's changed jobs again and our income will be varied depending on commissions... Again. Suck. His last job was a crazy ride. Now we have to live like normal people again.
In conjunction with that, I'm still getting used to him being home all the time. 99% of the time, it's frickin' awesome. But sometimes I'm like, "Don't you need to go somewhere?!?"
In other news, I'm really getting the hang of just being MOM and everything that goes with it. I really think I can stick with it this time. The house has been "together" for a full two weeks now and getting better all the time. I almost feel completely moved in. I can do it this time. I know I can. I just have a few kinks to work out and it will all come together.

3 a.m. Again. But Brighter!

So... I've really been feeling completely worthless in the last few months. I feel like there's no way I can do all that I am responsible for so I don't even try. No really. I don't try. I go, "OMG, I'm responsible for raising Keiren, cleaning the house, laundry, cooking, finances, pets, shopping, keeping up on EVERYTHING and I. Just. Can't. So... I won't. I'll just sit here and let everything go to hell around me and spend a good portion of time griping. Yeah."
BUT... I've been anticipating this series on Money Saving Mom about time management. I read the first few and was like... mmm *shrug*. She was talking about concentrating on what your good at and capable of doing well and dropping everything else that's cluttering your life. That's when that panicky feeling popped up where I'm like, "I'm not good at ANYTHING! I'm just not. The only thing I'm good at is budgeting our money." And then she told us about... the Time Budget. Holy. Frickin'. Crap. So obvious! Why didn't I think of this before??? Oh yeah. Because I've been wallowing for 2.5 years. That's why.
I'm not really ready to set out the Time Budget yet... But it's coming. And it's close. And I'm so excited! This could be really good.

Weakness is my Strength

I have zero time management skills. ZERO. As I am typing this at 3 a.m., it's a pretty obvious fact. Oh, plus I am LAZY. So the issue of needing at least the framework of a schedule and real work in the time management area is so very much at the top of my list of goals. BUT...
The first little snippet of advice was to find your strengths and let those be your guide in how you manage your time. Unfortunately, I have no strengths. I have a household to run and the only strength I have is weakness. I am weak weak weak. Emotionally, physically, spiritually weak. In every aspect, I do the bare minimum. Bills are paid, we have food, and sometimes we have clean underwear. My daughter is alive and clean. My husband doesn't completely hate me. My eyebrows are actually plucked. But I didn't shower today. Or do dishes.
Okay, what did I do right? Um... I did give Keiren and Josie a bath. Yeah. That's about it. I am so lame, it's not even funny.

Silent, Screaming Breakdown

With Billy & Kevin driving back from Cali right now, rushing to a birthday promise, I had to take all the sanity I had left not to go into pissy-pants mode on the phone. And I really didn't have much sanity left. But now it's gone. Maybe not.
I could feel the angry, teary, green-eyed demon trying to sneak out in my voice, but I reeled her in, thank God. I don't think he noticed, but I did. Oooh, that was hard. Then, when I got off the phone, I went in the kitchen, grabbed my Diet Coke and then picked up three pumpkin cookies... and set them down. That was pretty impressive since I HELLA wanted to just go into an eating frenzy. OH WHY must I deal with stress by eating??? Right now, slowly sipping on my soda, I'm not even really hungry. And dinner's coming up, as soon as Bee wakes up. Those cookies would have served no purpose. I had a snack. Now I'm going to have dinner. The cookie inbetweeners just would've soothed me down from the jealously spike. Good Lord, I am a mess.
I am so deep in this ugly identity crisis I don't even know which way is up. I have no drive to do my actual job; I've really tried this week, but I think I'm just spinning my wheels.

Worse. Poorer. Sickness.

The negative side of the vows are pummeling us yet again.
I'm losing my mind.
We're taking a pay cut to the max.
Billy probably has celiac disease.
After the maddening visit to the doctor yesterday that left us with far more questions than answers, Kevin called to say he lost his job.
With everything going on, I really can't take anymore. I really can't. I cried halfway home and prayed my heart out. I. Just. Can't.
I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. I'm not a good homemaker. I'm not good at anything and I feel so alone. And trapped.
I wish I had had a clue back in the day and actually done some spontaneous stuff while I still could. Now I can't. We wasted so many opportunities and it's all my fault. Good thing we took the lifestyle sabbatical or I'd really hate myself for wasting the beginning of us.

Lackadaisical Has Nothing to Do With Daisies

I have reached a level of laziness that is unforgivable. I don't ever want to do anything. Ever. I've been at this stay-at-home mom business for darn near 2.5 years... quite honestly the longest I've stayed with a job ever. Yet, I still have trouble viewing it as a job. This. Is. A. Job. This is my job.
Sometimes, I get the gumption to really get it together and keep it together. But then I just let it all go. I've let Bee run the show for so long, she doesn't understand she's not the boss. We all let her boss us around. It's ugly. And wrong.
I've done this wrong from the very beginning. I think... I think I need to make a job description or something. Just without structure, without deadlines, without interaction with others... I have zero drive. Does that sound like I should go back to work? Billy thinks so. He thinks it would do me a world of good. I just don't know. I honestly think I would be miserable. And Bee would be miserable too. *sigh*
That's it. Enough is TOO MUCH!

Quarter-Life Crisis

I'm feeling... lost. Not... unhappy. Just without identity... or maybe just distanced from life.
I feel like everything is going on around me but I'm not part of it. Hmmm. Even that's not it.
Maybe it's just that everything's going too fast. And my past, such a small blip of history, is haunting me in dreams. Again.
Yup. The Limbo of Youth. I think others around me have similar pits in their stomachs but we just don't talk about it. We just march on without really knowing what's next.
Just came back from Disneyland. Bee's first visit. It was wonderful! But now I have post trip blues mixed with more of the thoughts of the march of time. Ridiculous but true. Bleh.

Grief & Sleepovers

I am numbing out on the winding road of grief management as of late. I literally feel numb, almost lethargic. My energy is zapped and I have completely let the house go to pot. The ugly realizations of mortality and the steady, quick march of time zoom through my mind often and just as often put me into a state of panic. I have no control over how fast a life goes by. I've been watching the Twilight Zone a lot and just the fact that the young, vibrant actors of the 60s are now either old or dead gets me depressed, irritable, pissed. Maybe I should stop watching it... but when that show was in its last season, Grandpa was my age! A young parent just back from war. My dad was born that year. Not so long ago yet still a lifetime. How quickly we age without even realizing it is painful once you do notice that it's happening or has already happened.
Right now I'm sitting in my old room at my parents' house for quite possibly the last time. Billy is putting in his notice tomorrow and that could mean he's coming home immediately or he's in it for another two weeks-30 days. It's been an absolutely crazy year but this has become the new normal. We'll have to learn how to be us again in a normal setting. Weird but true. I really resented this situation at first but now it's almost peaceful... It doesn't seem like home at all. This is quite a revelation to me. I've lived in this house as a high-schooler and I've lived in this house in the interim when we sold our house then off and on when we were on sabbatical then when our current house was being built. We lived here when Billy went to PA for a week and I cried myself to sleep every night. I stayed here when he went on his first business trip ever when he started working at Highland Manor when Bee was a newborn. I cried for a day. Now he's been away so much and been on a myriad business trips it seems silly that I was ever that distraught to sleep without him. It will be strange to have him home all the time. And that in itself is disconcerting.

The Beauty of Zero

Four months ahead of schedule, our credit card debt is no more. It feels like this post should be full of exclamation points and "squee"s and "woot"s and happy dances in general. This is a HUGE feat and accomplishment as well as a giant burden lifted. But I can't get over the fact that this year we brought in an excess of $25770.77 that went to debt. That is SO much money. And it's gone. It's zeroed us out to where we always should have been. Every stupid purchase, mis-paid medical bill, commuter gas fill-up, furniture or baby stuff shopping spree, Christmas gift that we couldn't afford, yay debt moment... PAID OFF. PAID OFF! We have exorbitant student loans and a seriously misguided second mortgage sitting us deeply in the negative to the tune of about $36,000 but these types of debt are not as ugly. It feels weird. The light at the end of the tunnel was really just a brief reprieve from the darkness of debt but we're soaking in the sunshine and basking in the glow of being damn near half way out of the depth of our debt.
As we reached the end of our credit card debt journey, we found out that Grandpa has/had $56000 in credit card debt. This is about double what his life insurance is worth. As this is a community property state, Grandma is in a predicament. Sitting here in our mid-twenties with more debt than life insurance, I'm feeling a strong pull to get our affairs in order. It seems too practical, too depressing, and almost like I'm beckoning for something bad to happen. But what if something did? I don't want to be financially screwed if my life got turned upside down.

And Now We Are 26

Today is my birthday. While the 27th is a recurring theme of life highlights for me, sometimes my birthday has tragedy hovering around it. One of my dad's best friends died on my 12th birthday. Come to think of it, I think he was... 26. Three years ago, I was in the hospital, broken and in shock. Today, we are only two weeks worth of raw from the loss of Grandpa. Seeing my birthday card signed only by Grandma was a sock in the ribs and has left me with an ache in my spirit.
26. Young. Maybe even more awkward of an age than 16. Not young adult. Not adult adult. It seems like 25-30 is the limbo of youth. So much left but so much lived. Not the beginning, middle or end. Maybe that's why I'm half-heartedly wallowing in my rut. Something must be done.

The Following Monday

This day marks the end of one of worst weeks of my life. I have a handful of those in my past: post-Billy's dad, post-Missy's dad, post-almost dying x 2, post-the Missy fallout. This one tops the list for me. It has been a whirlwind of family, flowers, food... and deep deep pain.
I haven't been sleeping. I am exhausted. I look like hell. And I still feel strangely empty and lost. And confused. The funeral was... indescribable. I saw Charles after eight years. I vaguely reconciled with Faith after two years of hate. The potential for reconciliation with Emily is on the horizon. Katherine apologized for being an absentee aunt. Regrets abounded. Taking family for granted was a recurring theme of regret. My daughter has upped her level of "challenging toddler" this week and I am just too raw to deal properly.
What are the stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I've felt all but acceptance simultaneously throughout these seven earth-shattering days. The markings of today are certainly not what I would have guessed one week ago. Right now I am confused by all the family that have made themselves available, Blue's Clues is on in the background, I'm exhausted beyond measure, and Grandpa is gone. None of these things were even a thought last Monday.
Glimpses of him keeping popping in my head and I want to hug him. I want to see him smile while telling the same wry joke to someone new. I want to see the way he cocked his head and smiled when he didn't hear what you said but genuinely wanted to know. I want to have a family dinner at Stockman's that he would insist to pay for no matter who's idea it was to go out. I want so many things I can never have again.

I Miss You

Grandpa died yesterday.
I have been obscenely blessed throughout life. I was born in a little town that housed my parents and both full sets of grandparents no more than ten minutes away. In the nearly 26 years I have been alive, I have only lived five of them away from my hometown. And I've never lived more than two hours away. In high school, I always half-heartedly joined in the griping about the nothing-to-do-one-horse-town life and wanting to get away to anywhere else. But in all honesty, I didn't really mean it. Even in adulthood, Billy and I have exclaimed "Why do we live here?!?" and "There's no way we can live here forever!" But even at that, we wouldn't move far if we moved at all. 30-60 miles at most. Because this life is a blessed life. One that has what so many others don't: The close-knit family. Roots- real roots. My maternal grandparents and an uncle live next door. My parents are four minutes away and are our sole babysitters.
Ever since I found out he was gone, every memory of Grandpa has been firing off in my head like fireworks. Thus, I feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. It's so strange and so painful.
I miss you, Grandpa. So much. I had four perfect places in my heart for my grandparents and now there is an aching hole where you are supposed to be. I love you.

Irony

A few realizations...
First of all, Billy is almost out of credit card debt. I hadn't ever thought of it that way but I checked our credit reports and scores on Quizzle... and the last big credit card we need to pay off is in my name only. Gah! How did that happen? So in $950, he'll have zero credit card debt on his credit report. AND he has one less closed account since our first house was in my name only since he was only 17 when we bought it! Holy crap what were we doing buying a house at that time? Crazy. AND he has more diversification because of student loans. Ironic because... I remember when we worked our butts off to find a credit card for him since no one would take him. Not even with a co-signer. And now look! He has A credit at 759. A full 53 points higher than mine. O.O
And the biggest realized irony?
The last credit card in our snowball is my Bank of America card. The one that started it all. I can remember quite clearly being in the waiting room at the hospital, my body going into shock and about to start shutting down and Billy coming up and saying they would give us a discount if we paid $1000 up front. And I handed him THAT card. *shiver* The beginning of the Debt Saga ~ Credit Cards. And the same card that equals the end.

Mem-O-rieeeeeeees

So... I decided I needed to expand my PF blog perusal and thus ended up latching on to Make Love, Not Debt. ^_^ In the Debt Payoff-palooza that this year has been so far, I've been leaning to the "financial harmony within the marriage arrangement" side of things. I reread Debt-Proof Your Marriage, the book Aunt Teresa gave us as an anniversary gift a long while ago (pre-debt... ironic, really). I retained much more of it. Yesterday, on the advice of the Make Love, Not Debt-ers, I went to the library and checked out Smart Couples Finish Rich. Haven't started it yet, but this is where my PF education path is headed for now.
Anyway, what I'm really thinking about today is where we started. I was reading a MLND post from the beginning of their blog and they were transferring balances around to get better interest rates. That reminded me of back in the day when I had no clue... I can't even begin to fathom how much money I "robbed from Peter to pay Paul". So many many many cash advances were made with those handy dandy checks they used to send ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME (haven't seen any of those in a loooooong time...). Then I would pay bills and pay credit card payments. Egads. I don't think I can make myself go back and really think about that damage that did. We had our heads stuck in the sand for so long. We even had a motto: "Yay, debt!" We said it all the time and kinda laughed it off. *sigh* Blah. Never ever ever again.

In Other Zen News

In other Zen news, I don't think we can really achieve "financial and domestic Zen" until our debt is paid off. So far this year, we've paid off well over half of the credit card debt. Looking back, I know that it wasn't exactly mathematically wise to pay off the interest free medical bills before the disgustingly interest FULL credit card debt. But that's where Zen comes in. If we had plugged along on our payment plan, we wouldn't have paid off the bills until March. And each time I had to pay them, it hurt my soul. I had to relive the reasons behind the bill and it hurt terribly. I have a sort of emotional detatchment from the credit cards bills. I wrote about this before but I'm bringing it up again cuz we just got over the hump and are on the downhill stretch of the credit cards. (*wiggle, wiggle*)Once these debts are gone, we have to either payoff the second mortgage or start in on the student loans. Gah. There's pros and cons both ways. The mortgage has the higher interest rate, it's secured (as in they could take our frickin' house if I flip my lid and stop paying), and it was a bad bad decision at a bad bad time in my life. One of the worst actually. I can see myself that day in my mind's eye. I'm sitting in the white room with the fake wood desk and the grey chairs and the flourescent lights. Sitting gingerly. I just damn near died and I'm on the beginning steps of some serious PTSD. We just drained the account that's been holding our down payment money... $30,000. We hand over the official check. We sign our lives away. They reiterate that to dodge PMI, we're doing a second mortgage at an ungodly rate (a smidge shy of 10%). $20,000. We'll pay that off fast, within a year, right? WRONG! Thus was our undoing and the undoing of Countrywide as well. (Don't let your customers dodge PMI!!! That's your safety net! Retards...) Hell, we couldn't even afford the regular mortgage on our salaries. They NEVER should've approved us. EVER. *eye roll* We were dumb, and so were they. Anyway, I lost my job. We went on an expensive vacation (to celebrate being alive). I got pregnant. The rest is history.
The student loans. They have a relatively low interest rate. They're unsecured (they can't come steal the diploma). The only con is they can't be wiped out in the event of a bankruptcy but I'm going to fight tooth and nail to make sure that never happens.
Ultimately, for once, the mathematical choice and the psychological choice are one in the same. The mortgage has got to go.

The Quest for Zen

This blog is titled "Desperately Seeking SereniDy". Even with the "misspelling", it's a double entendre. Serenidy is the girl that started out on the journey of adulthood and has gotten a little lost along the way. Serenity is what I'm looking for, really. A peace within myself to just live my life. Zen, if you will.
I have some zen examples...
* Even after all I said about cut flowers after working at the florist and even though I usually don't have much peace when they're in the house cuz the "tiddies" mutilate them and knock them over and make a general flowery mess, I love cut flowers. Billy got me a purple tulip/white daisy bouquet on Mother's Day. My two faves!! (I love all tulips actually, the purple was just gravy)Yesterday, I split up the bouquet and put them in different rooms. They make me smile every time I see them! They make the rooms ZEN. I was even inspired to clean the rooms around the flowers, just so they would look prettier. What's a glass filled with purple tulips on the bar, when the bar is covered in crap? Exactly. Boo-yah!
* New undies. I adore new undies. Cute new undies preferably boyshorts and hipsters. NO THONGS EVER. This week, I've been going through my new undies. I haven't bought new undies in TWO years and those undies sucked. I still have them and they're all stretched out and argh. Zen is new undies.
* Reading. I've been busting through books lately, old and new. I've kinda forgotten in the last few years how much I ADORE reading. I've read 11 almost 12 books so far this year. Is that a lot or not? I don't know. Either way, I just can't stop. I have kind of a geeky goal to read 100 books this year. I'm way behind but it doesn't really matter. I just love to read. Really the goal is to ReRead all my favorites.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

{Saved from The Plot Hole}

ReRead: January 24-30, 2010
The one an only time I read this book prior to the ReRead was outloud. I also started reading the book when I was starting to die, so I didn't really retain the first few chapters. I was most excited to ReRead this one, out of the whole series. I remembered stumbling through the end of the Outloud, crying and grieving for the characters I had come to love.
After stumbling through the first five books, I was shocked to knock out the last two as quickly as I did. But I couldn't stop. I stayed up late at night, I read while giving Keiren her bottle, I read while she splashed in the bath. During these ReReads, I realized that just because I was a mom, it didn't mean I had to tiptoe through a book solely during the small snippets of alone time that I eked out. Since I've jumped into this journey of ReReads, I think she's been picking up on the idea of reading. She'll pick up a book and "read" to herself, laughing from time to time. Or she'll read aloud to her stuffies. It makes me smile and glow. I may not be up for the "Mom of the Year" award, but if I can make her love reading like I do, my parents do, my grandma does, and so many others in my family... I would be thrilled!
I want her to like other things as well and not just be the shy bookworm that I was. I think in that way, Billy and I are a good set of parents. I can do books. He can do sports. A good balance really. I think missing out on either side would be a trajesty (tragedy/travesty) for Keiki. She can be the best of both of us.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

{Saved from The Plot Hole}

ReRead: January 2010
I blasted! through this book and the next. I read the last two in a week each. And they're pretty chunky, I must say. I really liked this book, especially since I've been looking forward to reading it again since we went to the movie (in IMAX!) for my birthday last year. I loved loved loved the movie. And I loved loved loved the book. The first time I read it, I was in the middle of reading the series aloud to Billy so I was in the middle of two Harry Potter books at the same time so I don't think I retained it as well as I could've. I think I preferred the post-Dumbledore death scene from the movie actually but the book touched on all the Penseive scenes in such rich detail... I'm such a sucker for these books... (Not as bad as the Twilight series... embarrassing to admit, but true... ^_^)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix*

{Saved from The Plot Hole}

ReRead: January 2010

Egads, this book took me FOREVER to read. I put that I read it in January 2010, which is true for the most part. I read the majority of this book in January, but I started it like, at the end of Novemeber 2009. Then I put it down and couldn't exactly get myself to pick it back up.
This book, to me, is like the red-headed stepchild of the whole series. It needs to be there, I suppose, but Harry's at that angsty age that no one really wants to revisit in their memories and the DADA teacher isn't exactly a blast to read. Plus, it had been a really long time since I read the first four, so I read those happily. Then, prior to the ReRead, I had only read the sixth book twice and the seventh book once and one reading each was aloud. So I was really looking forward to those. But first I had to muddle through the brick that is book five.
Ultimately, It took me about 2.5 weeks to get through the remaining 75% of the book.
It's not my favorite for sure. But I read it (x5) and I'll read it again!! Damn Professor Umbridge to hell, but I'll read this book again someday. (To Keiren most likely)
*Later, I'll be putting the authors to the books I read. But it's a little redundant to list the author for the Harry Potter series and the Twilight series that I read afterwards. J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potterx7. Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilightx4. *shrug*

Intro to the Plot Hole

{Saved from the Plot Hole}

I'm a tad behind of my original goal... Here's the synopsis...
I'm a reader. It just is.
As I traipsed gone out into the big old adult world, my reading began to taper off. When Keiren was born... reading all but stopped altogether. I think in the first 13 months of her life I read four books. And I missed it terribly.
Just after she turned one, I decided to start reading again. I would start by re-reading my faves. I dived into the Harry Potter series for the fifth time. Correction... I waded into the Harry Potter series. From July to December 2009, I read the first four books. Approximately one book a month. The frost in my psyche started to melt.
Now I'm READING again! Hallelujah! And guess what? It makes me a decidedly happier person.
From the beginning, I decided to keep track. Books and the people in them are so real in my mind. And they stay with me for days, weeks! after I read them. In this odd time of my life, they keep me grounded while letting me explore out of my boundaries. (Self and non-self imposed). So this is The Plot Hole.

The Promise of May Flowers

The daffodils have come and gone and everything's coming up tulips... The tiny strip of garden between the house and the walkway to the front door consistently makes me smile. But that's about it in this season of life.
I've bucked up my attitude this month for the sake of my family- I've only been embarrassingly cross with Bee once to my recollection and Billy and I haven't had an emotional brawl for a good three weeks. Or longer. But three weeks for sure. It's better for all of us when we don't get crazy about the little things. We do it because life as it is right now can't be fixed so we choose to try to control the little things. But breathing and dealing with good enough gets us through.
Strange things make me feel calmer. It's the end of the month. Four days until payday. That means if Billy loses his job we can make it through two months. If he lost his job midmonth or directly after payday, we wouldn't be in as good of a position. The comfort level is much higher at this point of the month. Then the paycheck comes and I get the high of giving the debt spreadsheet a one-two punch. Then it's over and we freefall through the month- compiling deals and coupons, snowflaking to the debt, getting antsy as we reach the point of no return, then starting all over again.
Billy being gone all the time makes it harder. The current trip has been worse than usual for some reason. I've been trying to come up with ideas to make it easier on him but I can't figure out how to make it easier on me. Or Bee. The house is in total disarray cuz I have no drive when he's gone and I don't want to touch chores when he's here. I rather just spend time with him.
A couple nights ago, the first night of the most recent trip, I went to my parents' house and played with Bee in the backyard. It was twilight, my favorite time of day, and it was warm with a slight breeze. I blew bubbles for her, which delighted her. Then we traipsed across the backyard, kicked a soccer ball around and played catch, both at almost-two-year-old speed. I marveled at her natural athletic ability and thought about how she will feel about that backyard as an older little girl, knowing that her mom and dad got married in the same yard. It's wonderful and it all feels so right... but it all seemed so wrong. There was a sadness over the whole thing that just ached. We're so incomplete.
I can't believe how painful it is to pay for our mistakes. Literally and figuratively. We have to pay in disgusting amounts of money and disgusting amounts of time apart.
Oh Lord help us.

So NOT Working

March has been... retarded. We coasted through it but it sucked. Bad.
Billy's job is hellacious. He's gone. ALL. THE. TIME. And when he is home, he's in a bad mood or doing homework. Or doing his homework while in a bad mood. 10 weeks left of school before he graduates. Gah. I've slid off the wagon. (The weight didn't come back though thank God.) April starts tomorrow and I'm just going to have to put myself back together again. We made one goal this quarter. Of course, we knocked out a goal for next quarter too... OK technically we made two goals; I did start my health goals, I just didn't stick with them through March. Crap. Billy being gone so much puts us all in foul moods. At least we've kept up with debt repayment! We're ending March at $15356 in total credit card debt! A full $8760 less than we started the year with. It's scary though cuz this job is SO NOT WORKING. I am so worried that we'll end up without income one way or another. If Billy lost his job today... we'd be good until the end of May. Approximately. And that's if we wiped the EF and the vacation fund AND stripped our bills to necessity only mode.

February Progress Report

Whoa. Is it really March already? Ugh, Billy's new job left us living the "single mom" life for the majority of February. But! It kept our gas expenses at $20. Just $20! It's crazy! After spending $350 a month on gas when he was commuting, I was shocked to see that tally. Unbelievable. I had $100 set aside! Woot! We are planning a big shopping trip soon so that'll take a lil' but still. Anyway, here's the results of February:

By March 31 I want to:

Be under $20K in credit card debt ~ Achieved! Boo-yah!
With a big fat tax refund, a higher salary, and a bonus we knocked this one and the next one out like nothing! We paid off two credit cards- Kinetico, which was the water filtration system, and Target which was what we lived off of after Bee was born. And Capital One is almost paid off. Squee! Granted it's painful to see all that money go to debt. Yuck! Nevertheless, it is a huge incentive to NEVER EVER EVER be in this situation ever again. We are paying for it in spades.

Implement the chore chart ~ Needs improvement... >_<
I honestly don't know if this will be achieved by the end of this month. I think since we already achieved a goal for next quarter I might kick this one down into second quarter goals. I did look at the chore chart... so I guess that's something.

Start health goals ~ Adequate progress
Yup, so far I've implemented: brushing twice a day (achieved), flossing regularly (just started), eating at regular intervals (adequate progress- only a few crazed binges), lotion on my feet (doing well), taking a vitamin daily (needs improvement)

By June 30 I want to:

Be under $17K in credit card debt ~ Achieved!
See above. ^_^

Implement a freezer cooking day ~ Not yet introduced

Be at or under my pre-pregnancy weight ~ Adequate progress
Starting health goals has led to a little headway with this one- getting my eating under control has led to approximately six pounds lost. Starting next week, the goal is to exercise three days a week... *sigh* the hard part... But my body and soul have been horribly neglected over the last 7.5 years... I'm baby stepping to self love yet again. ^_^

January Progress Report

Geez time has flown by so far this year! Here's what we acccomplished in January:

By March 31 I want to:
Be under $20K in credit card debt ~ Adequate progress
Billy was forced to get a new job, finally. His old job situation was deteriorating by the day so when an opportunity presented itself, we took it, even though it isn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination. He was on business trips for almost three full weeks in January and it will be the same story as February and March progress. Blah. Anyway, due to this we had a large-ish "signing bonus" coming our way for February plus a decent sized vacation time pay out from his old job. Also, with Billy being gone so much, I was at my parents and grandparents' houses a lot thus home expenses were kept to a minimum. All in all, we were able to throw a lot at debt in January. With the bonus plus a fat tax refund, we'll easily be under $20k in debt if not around $17k which is the next goal. Definitely mixed blessings here.

Implement the chore chart ~ Needs improvement
Well, the house was kept relatively tidy but no real headway on organization was made.

Start health goals ~ Needs improvement
With everything that went down in January job-wise and school-wise, I'm amazed I didn't gain a bunch of weight. Oh and Bee is not sleeping well AT ALL and that makes things harder too. I did, though, actually set goals to be accomplished through February which are: brush teeth every night (I often just fall into bed out of exhaustion), take a vitamin every day, work on Bee's schedule, work on eating at regular intervals. The first two are going well, the last two... not so much. *sigh*

In other news, my Saints won the frickin' Super Bowl! Boo-yah!!! WHO DAT?!

Every year we lose a few friends... it's getting depressing and making me feel even more isolated.

New 2010 Goals!

I'm more of a "two thousand ten" person that a "twenty ten" person myself. ^_^ Anyway the new goals:

2010 First Quarter Goals:

By March 31 I want to:
Be under $20K in credit card debt
Implement the chore chart
Start health goals

2010 Second Quarter Goals:

By June 30 I want to:
Be under $17K in credit card debt
Implement a freezer cooking day
Be at or under my pre-pregnancy weight

The 2009 Report Card

Setting quarterly goals has proven to be excellent for me. The quarterly goals I set up way back when were:
By December 31 I want to:
Have the house in complete working order aka "be fully moved in" GRADE: B-
We got all the rooms cleaned (even the master bedroom which was our dumping grounds for the last year or so). Not everything is organized, tho', and the garage is still in need of help. Billy just got a new job and we have to create a home office so that will initiate the garage project.

Have Bee's birth completely paid off GRADE: A
Will Billy's bonus, this was finally paid off, right before she turned 18 months which was my original goal! WOOT!

Establish a working grocery budget GRADE: B+
I've started to get the hang of the envelope system and using cash but I haven't been hardcore about it yet. I'll continue to work on it.

Have $500 in an emergency fund GRADE: A+
We were able to knock out this goal AND the goal for the next quarter by saving $1000 to an emergency fund. Plus we were able to pay for an emergency expense less than a month after it was fully funded instead of having to put it on a credit card. Yay!!!

All in all we did pretty good for our first real financial goals. This was a good way to end 2009.