Silent, Screaming Breakdown

With Billy & Kevin driving back from Cali right now, rushing to a birthday promise, I had to take all the sanity I had left not to go into pissy-pants mode on the phone. And I really didn't have much sanity left. But now it's gone. Maybe not.
I could feel the angry, teary, green-eyed demon trying to sneak out in my voice, but I reeled her in, thank God. I don't think he noticed, but I did. Oooh, that was hard. Then, when I got off the phone, I went in the kitchen, grabbed my Diet Coke and then picked up three pumpkin cookies... and set them down. That was pretty impressive since I HELLA wanted to just go into an eating frenzy. OH WHY must I deal with stress by eating??? Right now, slowly sipping on my soda, I'm not even really hungry. And dinner's coming up, as soon as Bee wakes up. Those cookies would have served no purpose. I had a snack. Now I'm going to have dinner. The cookie inbetweeners just would've soothed me down from the jealously spike. Good Lord, I am a mess.
I am so deep in this ugly identity crisis I don't even know which way is up. I have no drive to do my actual job; I've really tried this week, but I think I'm just spinning my wheels.

Worse. Poorer. Sickness.

The negative side of the vows are pummeling us yet again.
I'm losing my mind.
We're taking a pay cut to the max.
Billy probably has celiac disease.
After the maddening visit to the doctor yesterday that left us with far more questions than answers, Kevin called to say he lost his job.
With everything going on, I really can't take anymore. I really can't. I cried halfway home and prayed my heart out. I. Just. Can't.
I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. I'm not a good homemaker. I'm not good at anything and I feel so alone. And trapped.
I wish I had had a clue back in the day and actually done some spontaneous stuff while I still could. Now I can't. We wasted so many opportunities and it's all my fault. Good thing we took the lifestyle sabbatical or I'd really hate myself for wasting the beginning of us.

Lackadaisical Has Nothing to Do With Daisies

I have reached a level of laziness that is unforgivable. I don't ever want to do anything. Ever. I've been at this stay-at-home mom business for darn near 2.5 years... quite honestly the longest I've stayed with a job ever. Yet, I still have trouble viewing it as a job. This. Is. A. Job. This is my job.
Sometimes, I get the gumption to really get it together and keep it together. But then I just let it all go. I've let Bee run the show for so long, she doesn't understand she's not the boss. We all let her boss us around. It's ugly. And wrong.
I've done this wrong from the very beginning. I think... I think I need to make a job description or something. Just without structure, without deadlines, without interaction with others... I have zero drive. Does that sound like I should go back to work? Billy thinks so. He thinks it would do me a world of good. I just don't know. I honestly think I would be miserable. And Bee would be miserable too. *sigh*
That's it. Enough is TOO MUCH!