The Summer. So far.

I've been thinking lately that I am a la-ay-ay-ay-ZEE mom. It's true. I suck. And the kiddo is FOUR. Being a stay-at-home mama is the job I've held the longest. EVER. And I've never embraced it properly or figured out what I'm doing. I just fall through the day willy-nilly like I'm not responsible for a HUMAN BEING. What the what? So, there it is. Anyway, I'm not getting better by leaps and bounds but I've decided to document the summer for all it is in hopes that I can find my motherly self in the mix. And it's the last summer where we don't have to think about school and big kid things like that and the first summer where she seems like a real live kid, not a baby. Not a toddler. A kid. And so. June. According to Phineas and Ferb, there is 104 days of summer vacation. I don't catch what days that's including. To me summer is June 1-August 31. 92 days. And how. And so I document them for what they are.

When You're Alone and Life is Making You Lonely

I'm there again. Down Town. Not downtown, where all the lights are bright. Down Town. An ironically cute name for the place I go in my head when I feel like shit. Where I don't give a shit about what I put in my body, what state my house is in, whether anyone has clean clothes, whether I showered lately. Actually, not true. I DO give a shit. Because I hate myself for all these things. I hate myself for filling my body with junk and not exercising. I hate that the house is atrocious. I hate that the closet is carpeted in dirty clothes. I hate that my hair is limp and my legs are stubbly. But I just can't make myself do anything about it. I have VERY few friends. And they like me. A lot. But I try to forget that they actually have friends that aren't me. Circles of them. And they go and do things with them in ways that I can't be involved. So I'm stuck. Alone. With the kid. Which is depressing. Depressing because I'm stuck with the kid. And also depressing that I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm just using the kid as an excuse to be pissed off.

And Twelve

Life has run full force into a cavalcade of A DECADE. Ten years with Billy. Ten years since graduation. Ten years since the beginning of everything that is now.

Now I'm even more motivated to kick the last two goals of my weight loss party. I've completely stagnated at 160. Considering I kept off the weight I did lose, well, things could be worse. ^_^ But stagnating so close to Goal #2 is a little lame. I would like to be there by the end of the month. Ultimately, I would like to be at my high school weight by June- ten years exactly since graduating. Ten years.