The Promise of May Flowers

The daffodils have come and gone and everything's coming up tulips... The tiny strip of garden between the house and the walkway to the front door consistently makes me smile. But that's about it in this season of life.
I've bucked up my attitude this month for the sake of my family- I've only been embarrassingly cross with Bee once to my recollection and Billy and I haven't had an emotional brawl for a good three weeks. Or longer. But three weeks for sure. It's better for all of us when we don't get crazy about the little things. We do it because life as it is right now can't be fixed so we choose to try to control the little things. But breathing and dealing with good enough gets us through.
Strange things make me feel calmer. It's the end of the month. Four days until payday. That means if Billy loses his job we can make it through two months. If he lost his job midmonth or directly after payday, we wouldn't be in as good of a position. The comfort level is much higher at this point of the month. Then the paycheck comes and I get the high of giving the debt spreadsheet a one-two punch. Then it's over and we freefall through the month- compiling deals and coupons, snowflaking to the debt, getting antsy as we reach the point of no return, then starting all over again.
Billy being gone all the time makes it harder. The current trip has been worse than usual for some reason. I've been trying to come up with ideas to make it easier on him but I can't figure out how to make it easier on me. Or Bee. The house is in total disarray cuz I have no drive when he's gone and I don't want to touch chores when he's here. I rather just spend time with him.
A couple nights ago, the first night of the most recent trip, I went to my parents' house and played with Bee in the backyard. It was twilight, my favorite time of day, and it was warm with a slight breeze. I blew bubbles for her, which delighted her. Then we traipsed across the backyard, kicked a soccer ball around and played catch, both at almost-two-year-old speed. I marveled at her natural athletic ability and thought about how she will feel about that backyard as an older little girl, knowing that her mom and dad got married in the same yard. It's wonderful and it all feels so right... but it all seemed so wrong. There was a sadness over the whole thing that just ached. We're so incomplete.
I can't believe how painful it is to pay for our mistakes. Literally and figuratively. We have to pay in disgusting amounts of money and disgusting amounts of time apart.
Oh Lord help us.