RetroPost: 12.11.06

{Saved from Xanga} Well, here I am again. It hasn't quite been the year I spoke of, just seven months and we're about to wrap up our time off. But, God, we've had a HELLUVA time! ^_^ We've gone to Arizona twice, Disneyland twice, San Francisco, New York, Washington... We've thrown together a wedding in 16 hours then did another one the next month, dealt with death, gotten a new "baby", made new friends and better relationships with our old friends, celebrated birthdays, drank ourselves into oblivion on multiple occasions, ran a business by ourselves for two weeks, and flat out become better lovers, fighters, friends and people all around. Keizo and Ren have totally better attitudes about everything and they're going to leave their funky little shack better for it. With that said... There are so many things going through my mind right now. The first one is the fact that I really truly have decided within myself to stop this downward spiral I've put my body in the past four years. It's time to stop. It's time to stop feeling badly for myself. It drives me crazy and it has got to stop. End of story, the end, check soon for details... *sigh* Secondly, now that we're going back to our "homeland" and going to settle down (aka- buy a house and get jobs again), we're really going to start thinking about a lil bitty Thompson/Amano into this world. For the first time in our relationship, I feel truly comfortable with this prospect. Before, it was either GOOD GOD NO BABIES or OOOOHHHHH I WANT ONE OF THOSE*cutiecutiecutiegoogooga*. Now my only reservations about mommyhood is the fact that we have no jobs, house or insurance. HA. Those are huge things when thinking about babies. What I mean is, I'm ready to start preparing myself to have a little one running around. So technically, I'm on perma-NOBABIES but for different reasons than before. Before I was afraid. Now I know that our marriage is in the safe and secure and loving status that a child deserves to live around. We're not too young. We're not brand-newlyweds. We've got our minds and souls organized. We've spent an AWESOME three years being JUST US. So, the tentative plan (cuz ya really can't just plan these things out) is to prep ourselves physically and financially and exhaust the list of "Just the Two of Us" things we want to do. Roast a turkey, go to Hawaii again, go on our Disney cruise, buy our house and set it up smarvalously, all that good stuff. *hum* Oh, and figure out a spirituality thing. I suppose we won't have to know right off the bat but it would be awfully nice to know what the crackers we're going to teach our inquisitive chitlin about God and what comes next. RELIGION as it is... ah, it's still a very touch subject in the Thompson household. Our last discussion ended in me dissolving into tears and hysterics, thickly exclaming, "YOU'LL NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER understand what it was like!" So, I suppose we'll play it by ear as this next year pans out. Said new friends (Mitch & Lissa) want to start a study group with them, us and Missy & Noah. Erm... I think it's worth a try but I know my God complex and my skepticism in Noah's theology may be a wee bit of a roadblock for that one. So we'll see. Billy also wants me to have it out with my parents and clear all the air that still settles over us. (Not looking forward to it >_<) Anyhoo, that's more than enough of a seven month update. Especially since it's already McDonald's time. ^_^ FIN!

RetroPost: 5.4.06

{Saved from Xanga} How Strange Life Is! All of the panic we have been feeling about being stuck with a house payment we can't afford and jobs we don't like... it's gone now. We're leaving behind everything we hate. Just one more week and all of this monotony will be behind us. We're Taking A Year Off From Life! I can't believe we're doing this! The excitement is giving me the jitters! We're going to travel, get to know each other, and dig ourselves out of all the stupidity and responsibility we've buried ourselves under for the last four years. Goodbye Real World!

RetroPost: 4.6.06

{Saved from Xanga} Most of my days are spent on the verge of total panic. We sold the house and so we officially have nowhere to go of our own. We’re trying to sell the car- then we’ll have nothing to our names… It feels like every decision we make is wrong. We wanted to get a new car from this century with less than 100,000 miles on it. While a Blazer seems practical for us… it just seems like we’re going backwards. Plus the disagreement between my parents and us about not being able to go get it over the weekend really threw me off. Our friends come first. Stefanie needs help moving and we already told her we’d be there for her. Billy has a good feeling about this car. I want to trust him so badly on this. I also don’t want to have to buy another vehicle any time soon because we made a bad decision. Again. We have our hearts set on building our dream home. But what if we can’t get it? The builder hasn’t gotten back to us on the cost and I do NOT feel confident in getting the mortgage. I ache for our own space. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for not flipping out. Missy and Noah got an apartment. Stefanie bought a house. Deep inside I have the inklings of jealousy but I know I won’t get very far with those feelings. Nurturing my green streak of jealousy will only make our situation that much more miserable. I never thought we’d be living at my parents’ house as long as we have. Even at that, I am willing to stay there longer if it means we can get our dream house. I can see it in my head. If there is any way, dear God, help us. I feel like we're drowning.

RetroPost: 3.28.06

{Saved from Xanga} Things aren’t any easier now than they were then. Our house finally did sell… a week ago. We’ve waited so long and we’re at our wits end. We’ve been living at my parents’ house for six months now. When you get right down to it, this has been the worst decision of our lives thus far. Billy is suffering the most really. The discussion we’ve had repeatedly as of late has been about rebellion. When we first moved in and our whole life together actually, he’s never understood the HUGE phobia and grudge I hold toward going to meeting, dealing with my parents, etc. He asked me at first WHAT IS YOUR FEAR? And I couldn’t tell him. I honestly couldn’t remember how it all felt. I mean, the feeling was deep inside me still and that frightened monster inside me stirred, ready to fight at the thought of returning to any of it even for a moment. Well, now he’s seen exactly how I was brought up and the helplessness and anger that goes with it. He’s seen how my parents treat us when we’re going out. I don’t think they realize how evil they sound when they’re interrogating us about our whereabouts. He can finally understand the subtle jabs they throw that are really just screaming “WE’RE RIGHT AND YOUR WRONG!!!” Plus, he’s seen how Malia is treated. She was my little buddy when I was going through my tough times. I don’t think she understood what was going on at the time but she does now, for sure, since she’s living it now. It’s called growing up a Jehovah’s Witness. I know it’s not the same for all Jehovah’s Witness kids, but I’ve seen so much pain… The parents that think their kids are just sins waiting to happen cause the most pain. I know they’re trying to protect their babies, but they’re making it so much worse. The worst thing is… I was a good kid. Malia is a good kid. I ache for her. I ache that I can’t help her. I’ve asked myself a million times… How could people who are so right be so wrong? When all is said and done, life is magnificently hopeless right now. We don’t have a home. We don’t have a car cuz that piece of crap broke down. We don’t have a life. Everything was so much better when they were just my parents. Now they’re our landlords, Billy’s boss, our car rental service and the bane of our existence. I feel so helpless and unhappy. In many aspects, it has brought Billy and I closer… In other ways, we’re at odds. I just can’t feel happy. I don’t mean to lash out at him but I can’ t feel better. Will this ever end?