Grief & Sleepovers

I am numbing out on the winding road of grief management as of late. I literally feel numb, almost lethargic. My energy is zapped and I have completely let the house go to pot. The ugly realizations of mortality and the steady, quick march of time zoom through my mind often and just as often put me into a state of panic. I have no control over how fast a life goes by. I've been watching the Twilight Zone a lot and just the fact that the young, vibrant actors of the 60s are now either old or dead gets me depressed, irritable, pissed. Maybe I should stop watching it... but when that show was in its last season, Grandpa was my age! A young parent just back from war. My dad was born that year. Not so long ago yet still a lifetime. How quickly we age without even realizing it is painful once you do notice that it's happening or has already happened.
Right now I'm sitting in my old room at my parents' house for quite possibly the last time. Billy is putting in his notice tomorrow and that could mean he's coming home immediately or he's in it for another two weeks-30 days. It's been an absolutely crazy year but this has become the new normal. We'll have to learn how to be us again in a normal setting. Weird but true. I really resented this situation at first but now it's almost peaceful... It doesn't seem like home at all. This is quite a revelation to me. I've lived in this house as a high-schooler and I've lived in this house in the interim when we sold our house then off and on when we were on sabbatical then when our current house was being built. We lived here when Billy went to PA for a week and I cried myself to sleep every night. I stayed here when he went on his first business trip ever when he started working at Highland Manor when Bee was a newborn. I cried for a day. Now he's been away so much and been on a myriad business trips it seems silly that I was ever that distraught to sleep without him. It will be strange to have him home all the time. And that in itself is disconcerting.