Not Making Anything Any Better ;_;

I have gone crazy bananas in the last week or so with....... credit cards. I am so horribly ashamed of myself. I have put $135 worth of purchases on a credit card in the last week. What a disgusting step backward. This can be broken down into: $54 on two outfits at Old Navy, $50 in groceries, $20 on a haircut, and $11 on dinner out. Really I just reached a point of being so angry that we have NO spending money, NO wiggle room. Try as we might, we just can't make ends meet.
The good news of the last two weeks is that Billy got a sizeable raise. YAY! The bad news is that since the last three months of paychecks have included a "signing bonus" his paychecks will basically be the same. So really if he didn't get his fat raise (Thank you thank you Lord) we'd be officially drowning. Actually, I just did a paycheck calulator and his checks could possibly be $75 more each week than we have been getting. Oh I hope it's right! An extra $75 could help tremendously.
Things I have done right this last pay period were getting back on track with frugal hacking at stores. Walgreens had a higher OOP since I haven't done it in a looooong time but I got about $13 worth of stuff for $7 plus $6 in Register Rewards so not too bad. I frugal hacked Target for the first time since it's so far away. It paid off but HOOBOY was it a hassle. I went through two checkers and two managers to make it go but I got out of there with $15-$20 worth of stuff for $4. It would've been less but Billy came along and bought PopTarts. At least they were on sale. I also have $13 pending in survey money.
So really, I haven't fallen off the wagon completely but I'm not proud of myself in any way. I gotta keep this attitude of entitlement under control. NO, I'm not entitled to whatever I want. I need to pay for the mistakes I've already made.

I Suck With Money

There was this time I used to think I was good with money. We did have two incomes at the time but they actually added up to less than just Billy makes now. So that wasn't it - no, we had very little in the way of expenses and also very little in the way of having a frickin' clue. Oh and we didn't have credit cards. Then when we did, we paid them in full every month. But that didn't mean I was good with money.
When we saved money, it was for big fat vacations or big fat purchases. Not for emergencies.

Financial Confessions:

1. When I was 22, I cashed in my 401k to go to Disneyland. >_<


2. The money we had in savings that we actually did use for an emergency was originally earmarked for a pre-planned trip to Disney World. We still went on the trip with $0 in savings and proceeded to pay for everything by credit card. It still hasn't been paid off and that was two years ago. >_<


3. The money I set aside to pay for the birth of Baby Bee got raided so we could send SIL 2 of 4 and her gaggle to a state far far away. While this was wonderful for our mental health, I still felt slighted... so we spent the rest on a Babymoon to Hawaii. >_<

I. Am. Dumb.

So Sick of Firsts

My dinner is turning sour in my stomach as we speak.
We hit another financial first today (yesterday actually but I just found out). To add to the growing list of 2009 horrors... our first maxed out credit card complete with a spill right over to over the limit plus the fee. With Billy's commute we've been unlucky enough to have to put the gas on a credit card that was already pretty full. Well, we've reached the end of that. Now I have to figure out how to scrape up enough to cover the minimum payment plus bring the balance low enough so that when the interest is posted next month, we're not over the limit again. This will be at least $120 total. The extra $30 above the minimum payment just may have to come out of our fledgling emergency fund. ;_;
I know we're making (sloooooooooooow) progress. I know we won't have to float commuting expenses once Billy starts making commission. But I really feel like we're drowning. It's like our heads are being shoved underwater until we're about to pass out and then we're allowed one deep breath before being shoved under again. It makes you wonder... is it really worth the fight?
Also another first... I'm consciously skipping my annual doctor visit. We just cannot afford it. How sick is that? I haven't missed an annual exam EVER. And I've been being all responsible like since I was almost 17. Good lord.

A Little Speck of Light

I just made a spreadsheet to see how a medical bill snowball would play out AND...
IF everything goes well and...
IF no other new bills show their ugly faces...
ALL MEDICAL BILLS WILL BE PAID BY DECEMBER!!! Woot!

This is contigent upon me finding a way to pay the peditrician in full and Bee's ER visit from March getting approved for financial aid at 100%. So yeah. Those are big contigencies. >_< At the very least, I will meet one goal by paying off Bee's birth and nursery stay by the time she is 18 months. Sick sick stupid healthcare in America. *sigh* This also gives me a glimmer of hope that there really will be an end to debt repayment someday. Soon-ish. Before I'm 30 for sure. Skittley doo.

I Think The Wagon Ran Me Over

Friday night, Billy and I had it out about everything in our relationship that we've been ignoring pretty much since the Bee was born. There was a lot.
Since then, we've been noticeably happier.
Also, I said "F you" to the straightjacket-esque budgetary restrictions I've been clinging to and dropped cash left and right for a couple days. Oh............ yeah. Oops. I just wish I had bought something interesting for myself before I realized what I was doing. *sigh*
I haven't been brave enough to balance the checkbook yet but I will today. So not looking forward to that one.
So, my goal was to be under $20000 in credit card debt by 25. Um. Didn't make it. Heh. BUT since January, we've paid off 13% of our overall debt. When you look at it that way, it feels a little better. But it still sucks.
All right. I'm going to brush off the dust, go find that damn wagon and get back on it. Even though at this point, I don't really want to.

And I Quote

"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." ~ Napoleon Hill

This quote is an obvious nod to the fact that all the goals I set for us have crashed and burned or are well on their way to crashing and burning. It's a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, really.
All of this defeat is heightened due to another fact. This would be the fact that in the last 2.5 days, I have been at the lowest of low. After a truly horrendous trip to San Francisco (very very sick Bee), I returned home to then be hit with the stomach flu in force. Of course for me any bit of stomach pain sends me into a tailspin of panic after everything I've been through so I got a little out of control and Billy sent out for reinforcements (my parents). OK, so I asked him to somewhere in the middle of vomiting and a panic attack. Really more so than anything, they were desperately needed to take care of Bee. Since the onset of my sickness, both of my dirty little secrets came to a head - 1) Our house is an atrocious mess and 2) we're way over our heads in credit card debt. Ugh. I guess I should say our house was an atrocious mess. Since Tuesday morning, my mom, dad, aunt and nana have been doing our laundry and scrubbing our house. The embarrassment level is through the roof. >_<
Then my dad talked to Billy on Tuesday and I don't even know how they got on the subject but Billy spilled the beans about our debt. And now they want to help us out. Now I feel almost obligated to take this help. But how much will it help, really? We'll still be in the same amount of debt... A debtload we're struggling to carry but we are carrying it. I know if we don't get approved for financial aid for the most recent bill, we'll be over the top... then it will be necessary for help. And we still owe them $795 from the "payday" loan from May. But Billy wants to take help. And he's the one working his butt off for the paycheck. I obviously have to take his wants and opinions into consideration. And honestly, all pride aside, it just might be the right way to go.
Either way in the last couple days I've felt like the worst daughter, mother and wife - everything I am and I'm failing at it. Horribly. I feel so defeated.

"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better. " ~ Wendell Phillips

A Ringing in My Ears

Oh dear Lord my parents left yesterday.
There are bonuses to this I suppose- making a little extra cash being one of the main ones.
Another is attempting to spend more time at my grandma's house.
I think I'm going to be over there as much as possible. This is to get the Bee more used to her Nana more so than anything just in case I have to go back to work. This would give me more child care options. *sigh*
That buzzing around the edges of my mind is becoming more of a ringing in my ears as we struggle to stay afloat. It seems like we're making no progress whatsoever. I know we are. It's just taking forever and the lack of emergency cash is just taking a huge toll.