And I Quote

"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." ~ Napoleon Hill

This quote is an obvious nod to the fact that all the goals I set for us have crashed and burned or are well on their way to crashing and burning. It's a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, really.
All of this defeat is heightened due to another fact. This would be the fact that in the last 2.5 days, I have been at the lowest of low. After a truly horrendous trip to San Francisco (very very sick Bee), I returned home to then be hit with the stomach flu in force. Of course for me any bit of stomach pain sends me into a tailspin of panic after everything I've been through so I got a little out of control and Billy sent out for reinforcements (my parents). OK, so I asked him to somewhere in the middle of vomiting and a panic attack. Really more so than anything, they were desperately needed to take care of Bee. Since the onset of my sickness, both of my dirty little secrets came to a head - 1) Our house is an atrocious mess and 2) we're way over our heads in credit card debt. Ugh. I guess I should say our house was an atrocious mess. Since Tuesday morning, my mom, dad, aunt and nana have been doing our laundry and scrubbing our house. The embarrassment level is through the roof. >_<
Then my dad talked to Billy on Tuesday and I don't even know how they got on the subject but Billy spilled the beans about our debt. And now they want to help us out. Now I feel almost obligated to take this help. But how much will it help, really? We'll still be in the same amount of debt... A debtload we're struggling to carry but we are carrying it. I know if we don't get approved for financial aid for the most recent bill, we'll be over the top... then it will be necessary for help. And we still owe them $795 from the "payday" loan from May. But Billy wants to take help. And he's the one working his butt off for the paycheck. I obviously have to take his wants and opinions into consideration. And honestly, all pride aside, it just might be the right way to go.
Either way in the last couple days I've felt like the worst daughter, mother and wife - everything I am and I'm failing at it. Horribly. I feel so defeated.

"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better. " ~ Wendell Phillips