RetroPost: 10.17.05

{Saved from Xanga} Wow, it's been awhile. Life has been fairly quirky as of late. Living with my parents is... an adventure. Our house isn't sold yet, so looking at houses to buy is dissapointing. We have no money to put down on a place until we sell. There was an offer on Thursday, but it was decidedly low. I pray they take our counter offer today. In the meantime, I continue to pay our mortgage, all the while living in our tiny little room with our stinky menagerie. I'm finding it hard to keep our space tidy... we have too much stuff. It worries me when I think about having a house again. I start to panic when I think about decorating a whole new house and keeping it clean. I'M SO LAZY!!!! We found the perfect house last week... Except for the fact that is was about $15K over budget. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it), it was sold the next day. But for that fleeting moment when I thought we'd be making an offer on it, I started to panic. I shouldn't be panicky. I should be excited. In other news, Andy was down last week and hanging out with him was cool. Strange, but cool. He's in the middle of a messy divorce with his adorable newborn, Brookelyn, in the middle of it all. Seeing how adult he has too be while really not being an adult at all is so freaky. Seeing his little girl makes the slightest twinge of baby fever go through Billy and me. Also, when the boys went to Oats Park to play basketball last Tuesday, Missy and I sat on the side benches like old times... I said I was starving and she said her first thought was, "Are you pregnant?" Which is everyone's first thought about everything I say. It has been ever since we got married and probably even before that when we were living together. If I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me if I was pregnant or when we were having kids... their college education would easily be funded! Anyhoo, she didn't leave it at that. She continued,"...because you should be." I was like WTF?!? Nevertheless, such shenanigans do well to put BOTB. That, and one of the bloggers I read religiously, Christina, announced she was pregnant. So it get's ya thinking. When I told Billy what Missy said, he said that he would love kids but couldn't imagine us with any as of yet. Which I understand. We're so US and I don't know how to consider an US + 1. It's so scary. Pregnancy AND Parenthood. I fear having something wrong with our baby. Today, I got onto The Nest and Christina had to let everyone know she miscarried. I ached for her and I don't even really know her. I want to cry for her. I can't even imagine going through such a thing and for this I am so scared. The idea of such responsibility when we can barely take care of ourselves is overwhelming. Dear God... watch over Christina and Bruce, whom I don't know but I know you do, during this difficult time. Please help me to overcome my fear... I am not yet worthy of such a gift. Amen.