I am numbing out on the winding road of grief management as of late. I literally feel numb, almost lethargic. My energy is zapped and I have completely let the house go to pot. The ugly realizations of mortality and the steady, quick march of time zoom through my mind often and just as often put me into a state of panic. I have no control over how fast a life goes by. I've been watching the Twilight Zone a lot and just the fact that the young, vibrant actors of the 60s are now either old or dead gets me depressed, irritable, pissed. Maybe I should stop watching it... but when that show was in its last season, Grandpa was my age! A young parent just back from war. My dad was born that year. Not so long ago yet still a lifetime. How quickly we age without even realizing it is painful once you do notice that it's happening or has already happened.
Right now I'm sitting in my old room at my parents' house for quite possibly the last time. Billy is putting in his notice tomorrow and that could mean he's coming home immediately or he's in it for another two weeks-30 days. It's been an absolutely crazy year but this has become the new normal. We'll have to learn how to be us again in a normal setting. Weird but true. I really resented this situation at first but now it's almost peaceful... It doesn't seem like home at all. This is quite a revelation to me. I've lived in this house as a high-schooler and I've lived in this house in the interim when we sold our house then off and on when we were on sabbatical then when our current house was being built. We lived here when Billy went to PA for a week and I cried myself to sleep every night. I stayed here when he went on his first business trip ever when he started working at Highland Manor when Bee was a newborn. I cried for a day. Now he's been away so much and been on a myriad business trips it seems silly that I was ever that distraught to sleep without him. It will be strange to have him home all the time. And that in itself is disconcerting.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Beauty of Zero
Four months ahead of schedule, our credit card debt is no more. It feels like this post should be full of exclamation points and "squee"s and "woot"s and happy dances in general. This is a HUGE feat and accomplishment as well as a giant burden lifted. But I can't get over the fact that this year we brought in an excess of $25770.77 that went to debt. That is SO much money. And it's gone. It's zeroed us out to where we always should have been. Every stupid purchase, mis-paid medical bill, commuter gas fill-up, furniture or baby stuff shopping spree, Christmas gift that we couldn't afford, yay debt moment... PAID OFF. PAID OFF! We have exorbitant student loans and a seriously misguided second mortgage sitting us deeply in the negative to the tune of about $36,000 but these types of debt are not as ugly. It feels weird. The light at the end of the tunnel was really just a brief reprieve from the darkness of debt but we're soaking in the sunshine and basking in the glow of being damn near half way out of the depth of our debt.
As we reached the end of our credit card debt journey, we found out that Grandpa has/had $56000 in credit card debt. This is about double what his life insurance is worth. As this is a community property state, Grandma is in a predicament. Sitting here in our mid-twenties with more debt than life insurance, I'm feeling a strong pull to get our affairs in order. It seems too practical, too depressing, and almost like I'm beckoning for something bad to happen. But what if something did? I don't want to be financially screwed if my life got turned upside down.
As we reached the end of our credit card debt journey, we found out that Grandpa has/had $56000 in credit card debt. This is about double what his life insurance is worth. As this is a community property state, Grandma is in a predicament. Sitting here in our mid-twenties with more debt than life insurance, I'm feeling a strong pull to get our affairs in order. It seems too practical, too depressing, and almost like I'm beckoning for something bad to happen. But what if something did? I don't want to be financially screwed if my life got turned upside down.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
And Now We Are 26
Today is my birthday. While the 27th is a recurring theme of life highlights for me, sometimes my birthday has tragedy hovering around it. One of my dad's best friends died on my 12th birthday. Come to think of it, I think he was... 26. Three years ago, I was in the hospital, broken and in shock. Today, we are only two weeks worth of raw from the loss of Grandpa. Seeing my birthday card signed only by Grandma was a sock in the ribs and has left me with an ache in my spirit.
26. Young. Maybe even more awkward of an age than 16. Not young adult. Not adult adult. It seems like 25-30 is the limbo of youth. So much left but so much lived. Not the beginning, middle or end. Maybe that's why I'm half-heartedly wallowing in my rut. Something must be done.
26. Young. Maybe even more awkward of an age than 16. Not young adult. Not adult adult. It seems like 25-30 is the limbo of youth. So much left but so much lived. Not the beginning, middle or end. Maybe that's why I'm half-heartedly wallowing in my rut. Something must be done.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Following Monday
This day marks the end of one of worst weeks of my life. I have a handful of those in my past: post-Billy's dad, post-Missy's dad, post-almost dying x 2, post-the Missy fallout. This one tops the list for me. It has been a whirlwind of family, flowers, food... and deep deep pain.
I haven't been sleeping. I am exhausted. I look like hell. And I still feel strangely empty and lost. And confused. The funeral was... indescribable. I saw Charles after eight years. I vaguely reconciled with Faith after two years of hate. The potential for reconciliation with Emily is on the horizon. Katherine apologized for being an absentee aunt. Regrets abounded. Taking family for granted was a recurring theme of regret. My daughter has upped her level of "challenging toddler" this week and I am just too raw to deal properly.
What are the stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I've felt all but acceptance simultaneously throughout these seven earth-shattering days. The markings of today are certainly not what I would have guessed one week ago. Right now I am confused by all the family that have made themselves available, Blue's Clues is on in the background, I'm exhausted beyond measure, and Grandpa is gone. None of these things were even a thought last Monday.
Glimpses of him keeping popping in my head and I want to hug him. I want to see him smile while telling the same wry joke to someone new. I want to see the way he cocked his head and smiled when he didn't hear what you said but genuinely wanted to know. I want to have a family dinner at Stockman's that he would insist to pay for no matter who's idea it was to go out. I want so many things I can never have again.
I haven't been sleeping. I am exhausted. I look like hell. And I still feel strangely empty and lost. And confused. The funeral was... indescribable. I saw Charles after eight years. I vaguely reconciled with Faith after two years of hate. The potential for reconciliation with Emily is on the horizon. Katherine apologized for being an absentee aunt. Regrets abounded. Taking family for granted was a recurring theme of regret. My daughter has upped her level of "challenging toddler" this week and I am just too raw to deal properly.
What are the stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I've felt all but acceptance simultaneously throughout these seven earth-shattering days. The markings of today are certainly not what I would have guessed one week ago. Right now I am confused by all the family that have made themselves available, Blue's Clues is on in the background, I'm exhausted beyond measure, and Grandpa is gone. None of these things were even a thought last Monday.
Glimpses of him keeping popping in my head and I want to hug him. I want to see him smile while telling the same wry joke to someone new. I want to see the way he cocked his head and smiled when he didn't hear what you said but genuinely wanted to know. I want to have a family dinner at Stockman's that he would insist to pay for no matter who's idea it was to go out. I want so many things I can never have again.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I Miss You
Grandpa died yesterday.
I have been obscenely blessed throughout life. I was born in a little town that housed my parents and both full sets of grandparents no more than ten minutes away. In the nearly 26 years I have been alive, I have only lived five of them away from my hometown. And I've never lived more than two hours away. In high school, I always half-heartedly joined in the griping about the nothing-to-do-one-horse-town life and wanting to get away to anywhere else. But in all honesty, I didn't really mean it. Even in adulthood, Billy and I have exclaimed "Why do we live here?!?" and "There's no way we can live here forever!" But even at that, we wouldn't move far if we moved at all. 30-60 miles at most. Because this life is a blessed life. One that has what so many others don't: The close-knit family. Roots- real roots. My maternal grandparents and an uncle live next door. My parents are four minutes away and are our sole babysitters.
Ever since I found out he was gone, every memory of Grandpa has been firing off in my head like fireworks. Thus, I feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. It's so strange and so painful.
I miss you, Grandpa. So much. I had four perfect places in my heart for my grandparents and now there is an aching hole where you are supposed to be. I love you.
I have been obscenely blessed throughout life. I was born in a little town that housed my parents and both full sets of grandparents no more than ten minutes away. In the nearly 26 years I have been alive, I have only lived five of them away from my hometown. And I've never lived more than two hours away. In high school, I always half-heartedly joined in the griping about the nothing-to-do-one-horse-town life and wanting to get away to anywhere else. But in all honesty, I didn't really mean it. Even in adulthood, Billy and I have exclaimed "Why do we live here?!?" and "There's no way we can live here forever!" But even at that, we wouldn't move far if we moved at all. 30-60 miles at most. Because this life is a blessed life. One that has what so many others don't: The close-knit family. Roots- real roots. My maternal grandparents and an uncle live next door. My parents are four minutes away and are our sole babysitters.
Ever since I found out he was gone, every memory of Grandpa has been firing off in my head like fireworks. Thus, I feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. It's so strange and so painful.
I miss you, Grandpa. So much. I had four perfect places in my heart for my grandparents and now there is an aching hole where you are supposed to be. I love you.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Irony
A few realizations...
First of all, Billy is almost out of credit card debt. I hadn't ever thought of it that way but I checked our credit reports and scores on Quizzle... and the last big credit card we need to pay off is in my name only. Gah! How did that happen? So in $950, he'll have zero credit card debt on his credit report. AND he has one less closed account since our first house was in my name only since he was only 17 when we bought it! Holy crap what were we doing buying a house at that time? Crazy. AND he has more diversification because of student loans. Ironic because... I remember when we worked our butts off to find a credit card for him since no one would take him. Not even with a co-signer. And now look! He has A credit at 759. A full 53 points higher than mine. O.O
And the biggest realized irony?
The last credit card in our snowball is my Bank of America card. The one that started it all. I can remember quite clearly being in the waiting room at the hospital, my body going into shock and about to start shutting down and Billy coming up and saying they would give us a discount if we paid $1000 up front. And I handed him THAT card. *shiver* The beginning of the Debt Saga ~ Credit Cards. And the same card that equals the end.
First of all, Billy is almost out of credit card debt. I hadn't ever thought of it that way but I checked our credit reports and scores on Quizzle... and the last big credit card we need to pay off is in my name only. Gah! How did that happen? So in $950, he'll have zero credit card debt on his credit report. AND he has one less closed account since our first house was in my name only since he was only 17 when we bought it! Holy crap what were we doing buying a house at that time? Crazy. AND he has more diversification because of student loans. Ironic because... I remember when we worked our butts off to find a credit card for him since no one would take him. Not even with a co-signer. And now look! He has A credit at 759. A full 53 points higher than mine. O.O
And the biggest realized irony?
The last credit card in our snowball is my Bank of America card. The one that started it all. I can remember quite clearly being in the waiting room at the hospital, my body going into shock and about to start shutting down and Billy coming up and saying they would give us a discount if we paid $1000 up front. And I handed him THAT card. *shiver* The beginning of the Debt Saga ~ Credit Cards. And the same card that equals the end.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Mem-O-rieeeeeeees
So... I decided I needed to expand my PF blog perusal and thus ended up latching on to Make Love, Not Debt. ^_^ In the Debt Payoff-palooza that this year has been so far, I've been leaning to the "financial harmony within the marriage arrangement" side of things. I reread Debt-Proof Your Marriage, the book Aunt Teresa gave us as an anniversary gift a long while ago (pre-debt... ironic, really). I retained much more of it. Yesterday, on the advice of the Make Love, Not Debt-ers, I went to the library and checked out Smart Couples Finish Rich. Haven't started it yet, but this is where my PF education path is headed for now.
Anyway, what I'm really thinking about today is where we started. I was reading a MLND post from the beginning of their blog and they were transferring balances around to get better interest rates. That reminded me of back in the day when I had no clue... I can't even begin to fathom how much money I "robbed from Peter to pay Paul". So many many many cash advances were made with those handy dandy checks they used to send ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME (haven't seen any of those in a loooooong time...). Then I would pay bills and pay credit card payments. Egads. I don't think I can make myself go back and really think about that damage that did. We had our heads stuck in the sand for so long. We even had a motto: "Yay, debt!" We said it all the time and kinda laughed it off. *sigh* Blah. Never ever ever again.
Anyway, what I'm really thinking about today is where we started. I was reading a MLND post from the beginning of their blog and they were transferring balances around to get better interest rates. That reminded me of back in the day when I had no clue... I can't even begin to fathom how much money I "robbed from Peter to pay Paul". So many many many cash advances were made with those handy dandy checks they used to send ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME (haven't seen any of those in a loooooong time...). Then I would pay bills and pay credit card payments. Egads. I don't think I can make myself go back and really think about that damage that did. We had our heads stuck in the sand for so long. We even had a motto: "Yay, debt!" We said it all the time and kinda laughed it off. *sigh* Blah. Never ever ever again.
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