RetroPost: 3.28.06

{Saved from Xanga} Things aren’t any easier now than they were then. Our house finally did sell… a week ago. We’ve waited so long and we’re at our wits end. We’ve been living at my parents’ house for six months now. When you get right down to it, this has been the worst decision of our lives thus far. Billy is suffering the most really. The discussion we’ve had repeatedly as of late has been about rebellion. When we first moved in and our whole life together actually, he’s never understood the HUGE phobia and grudge I hold toward going to meeting, dealing with my parents, etc. He asked me at first WHAT IS YOUR FEAR? And I couldn’t tell him. I honestly couldn’t remember how it all felt. I mean, the feeling was deep inside me still and that frightened monster inside me stirred, ready to fight at the thought of returning to any of it even for a moment. Well, now he’s seen exactly how I was brought up and the helplessness and anger that goes with it. He’s seen how my parents treat us when we’re going out. I don’t think they realize how evil they sound when they’re interrogating us about our whereabouts. He can finally understand the subtle jabs they throw that are really just screaming “WE’RE RIGHT AND YOUR WRONG!!!” Plus, he’s seen how Malia is treated. She was my little buddy when I was going through my tough times. I don’t think she understood what was going on at the time but she does now, for sure, since she’s living it now. It’s called growing up a Jehovah’s Witness. I know it’s not the same for all Jehovah’s Witness kids, but I’ve seen so much pain… The parents that think their kids are just sins waiting to happen cause the most pain. I know they’re trying to protect their babies, but they’re making it so much worse. The worst thing is… I was a good kid. Malia is a good kid. I ache for her. I ache that I can’t help her. I’ve asked myself a million times… How could people who are so right be so wrong? When all is said and done, life is magnificently hopeless right now. We don’t have a home. We don’t have a car cuz that piece of crap broke down. We don’t have a life. Everything was so much better when they were just my parents. Now they’re our landlords, Billy’s boss, our car rental service and the bane of our existence. I feel so helpless and unhappy. In many aspects, it has brought Billy and I closer… In other ways, we’re at odds. I just can’t feel happy. I don’t mean to lash out at him but I can’ t feel better. Will this ever end?