I am so not good at this.
Keiren is at that transition point where I was getting super comfortable with what and who she was, and now she's a whole new kid. And I'm not adjusting well.
Don't get me wrong, the new sleeping schedule is FANTASTIC and the self-inflicted drop of most bottles is more than I could've asked for. It's just the flat out responsibility that this is engaging that scares me. She's not a baby anymore. My job is not caring for her every physical need anymore. I don't have to do everything for her anymore. My whole life revolved around feedings, diaper changes, and whatnot for so long, and even though she's been shedding that for so long, in essence she was still a baby. But not anymore. Not at all. All these things are on the way out and strangely, I'm responsible for so much more now. It's not just a "keep the baby alive and make sure she doesn't cry" thing. Now I'm responsible for teaching.
Potty training. Preschool. These are at the forefront now and I'm freaking out. I have no idea how to do this. I can feel myself shutting down again. I have no idea where to start in any of this. But I have to do it. And I have to do it soon.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Eleven
2011 seems like some futuristic date that has nothing to do with the life I'm living. But... it's not and it is and time keeps marching on.
I'm having an uberhard time settling on some goals for this year. I feel like things are slipping out my control again. But I don't think they really are. I think I'm just lazy.
My biggest issues are: having to end the nice break from the snowball and jump back into the crazy debt attack. The four months of being more relaxed about our money was glorious! It was the first time we have ever not had to worry about making ends meet. Ends met and there was plenty left over to screw around with. Yes, we probably should've paid more debt and/or invested something somewhere but this was so frickin' nice, I don't regret it for a second. Now here we are: lower paying job, student loans out of grace. Bleh. Which brings me to the next issue: our mouths. *sigh* We have been skipping the dentist pretty much our entire adult lives. We went right before and right after we got married and that was it. We either had no money, no time, or both. But mid-December, Billy broke a tooth, essentially, on a rib. We could avoid the dentist no longer. So far, we've gotten through an intense consultation and a root canal. Thursday will bring two crowns into the picture.
SO. The plan is... to get Billy's mouth in tip-top shape while I start getting regular cleanings. While Billy's mouth is in progress, my teeth repair will be put on hold. Once Billy is done and paid for, I'll start getting fillings and filings and whatever.
Here's the rub: The consultation was $187. The root canal was $2500-ish. The crowns... I don't even know yet. We're putting all of this on.... a credit card. *sigh* Here we go again?? Not if I can help it. Here's the thing. We've paid $187 and a $400 down payment on the work so far. We scraped together some extra funds and that left us with $326 left on the credit card plus a bill still coming from the root canal that will be broken into payments. The debt snowball is being paused and all extra money is being diverted into the dental fund/paying off whatever has already racked up. The problem is I'm not sure if I should put our emergency fund in play since I know everything already surpasses what we have in the EF and there's so much more to come. Plus we're contending with lower pay and student loans. PLUS we have two empty buffer accounts: gifts & travel. PLUS I'm seriously floundering in terms of grocery deals; I'm out of practice and now it's becoming a necessity again. GRRR!!! I really gotta step it up and not fall full force into those bad habits again.
I think I'm trying to do too much at once again thus I freeze and stop doing anything. My list of things to do include: get back into the frugality routine, start preschool with Keiren, get hardcore into potty training, get my sleep in check, get my eating and exercising routine going, get back into the house cleaning routine, all while trying to maintain the other stuff (financials, personal time, etc.) I'm freezing!!!
THIS IS YOUR JOB. YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT!
I'm having an uberhard time settling on some goals for this year. I feel like things are slipping out my control again. But I don't think they really are. I think I'm just lazy.
My biggest issues are: having to end the nice break from the snowball and jump back into the crazy debt attack. The four months of being more relaxed about our money was glorious! It was the first time we have ever not had to worry about making ends meet. Ends met and there was plenty left over to screw around with. Yes, we probably should've paid more debt and/or invested something somewhere but this was so frickin' nice, I don't regret it for a second. Now here we are: lower paying job, student loans out of grace. Bleh. Which brings me to the next issue: our mouths. *sigh* We have been skipping the dentist pretty much our entire adult lives. We went right before and right after we got married and that was it. We either had no money, no time, or both. But mid-December, Billy broke a tooth, essentially, on a rib. We could avoid the dentist no longer. So far, we've gotten through an intense consultation and a root canal. Thursday will bring two crowns into the picture.
SO. The plan is... to get Billy's mouth in tip-top shape while I start getting regular cleanings. While Billy's mouth is in progress, my teeth repair will be put on hold. Once Billy is done and paid for, I'll start getting fillings and filings and whatever.
Here's the rub: The consultation was $187. The root canal was $2500-ish. The crowns... I don't even know yet. We're putting all of this on.... a credit card. *sigh* Here we go again?? Not if I can help it. Here's the thing. We've paid $187 and a $400 down payment on the work so far. We scraped together some extra funds and that left us with $326 left on the credit card plus a bill still coming from the root canal that will be broken into payments. The debt snowball is being paused and all extra money is being diverted into the dental fund/paying off whatever has already racked up. The problem is I'm not sure if I should put our emergency fund in play since I know everything already surpasses what we have in the EF and there's so much more to come. Plus we're contending with lower pay and student loans. PLUS we have two empty buffer accounts: gifts & travel. PLUS I'm seriously floundering in terms of grocery deals; I'm out of practice and now it's becoming a necessity again. GRRR!!! I really gotta step it up and not fall full force into those bad habits again.
I think I'm trying to do too much at once again thus I freeze and stop doing anything. My list of things to do include: get back into the frugality routine, start preschool with Keiren, get hardcore into potty training, get my sleep in check, get my eating and exercising routine going, get back into the house cleaning routine, all while trying to maintain the other stuff (financials, personal time, etc.) I'm freezing!!!
THIS IS YOUR JOB. YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
My December
Oh, December. The end of the year? Really? Holy cow.
We are in such a different place than we were at this time last year. We are completely out of credit card debt. Hell. Yes. The absolute pride I feel in that accomplishment is unbelievable. After finishing that monumental goal a full four months early, we have given ourselves some reprieve from the snowball. The reprieve ends in T-minus 6 days and counting. Billy's school loans are out of grace officially on the 7th. But oh what a wonderful time it's been, actually being able to do happier things with our money! For our anniversary we bought a new living room set (couch, entertainment center, rug, curtains) since all of our stuff was completely dilapidated. Then, our dryer completely died. We've been keeping it alive but this time it really bit it. I trolled Craigslist, trying to find something that would work. A couple popped up but then it just didn't happen. Good thing too since Billy & Kevin gave Black Friday a whipping and got me a brand new set of Kenmore front loaders at Sears for $600. SQUEE!!! Plus, Billy got his Kitchenaid and I got a sewing machine. We've set aside money for trips, Christmas, Keiren, emergencies, started the "navel" fund so I can get my belly button back... All of this in CASH CASH CASH! Never again credit cards! Mwah ha ha ha! Take that!!!
Phew. Now it's back to the snowball, in force. The new plan is to continue to attack the second mortgage, while attempting to refinace. If both mortgages can be lumped into one at a much lower interest rate, the snowball will shift to attacking the student loans. I'm going to play the next couple months by ear since Billy's changed jobs again and our income will be varied depending on commissions... Again. Suck. His last job was a crazy ride. Now we have to live like normal people again.
In conjunction with that, I'm still getting used to him being home all the time. 99% of the time, it's frickin' awesome. But sometimes I'm like, "Don't you need to go somewhere?!?"
In other news, I'm really getting the hang of just being MOM and everything that goes with it. I really think I can stick with it this time. The house has been "together" for a full two weeks now and getting better all the time. I almost feel completely moved in. I can do it this time. I know I can. I just have a few kinks to work out and it will all come together.
We are in such a different place than we were at this time last year. We are completely out of credit card debt. Hell. Yes. The absolute pride I feel in that accomplishment is unbelievable. After finishing that monumental goal a full four months early, we have given ourselves some reprieve from the snowball. The reprieve ends in T-minus 6 days and counting. Billy's school loans are out of grace officially on the 7th. But oh what a wonderful time it's been, actually being able to do happier things with our money! For our anniversary we bought a new living room set (couch, entertainment center, rug, curtains) since all of our stuff was completely dilapidated. Then, our dryer completely died. We've been keeping it alive but this time it really bit it. I trolled Craigslist, trying to find something that would work. A couple popped up but then it just didn't happen. Good thing too since Billy & Kevin gave Black Friday a whipping and got me a brand new set of Kenmore front loaders at Sears for $600. SQUEE!!! Plus, Billy got his Kitchenaid and I got a sewing machine. We've set aside money for trips, Christmas, Keiren, emergencies, started the "navel" fund so I can get my belly button back... All of this in CASH CASH CASH! Never again credit cards! Mwah ha ha ha! Take that!!!
Phew. Now it's back to the snowball, in force. The new plan is to continue to attack the second mortgage, while attempting to refinace. If both mortgages can be lumped into one at a much lower interest rate, the snowball will shift to attacking the student loans. I'm going to play the next couple months by ear since Billy's changed jobs again and our income will be varied depending on commissions... Again. Suck. His last job was a crazy ride. Now we have to live like normal people again.
In conjunction with that, I'm still getting used to him being home all the time. 99% of the time, it's frickin' awesome. But sometimes I'm like, "Don't you need to go somewhere?!?"
In other news, I'm really getting the hang of just being MOM and everything that goes with it. I really think I can stick with it this time. The house has been "together" for a full two weeks now and getting better all the time. I almost feel completely moved in. I can do it this time. I know I can. I just have a few kinks to work out and it will all come together.
Friday, November 5, 2010
3 a.m. Again. But Brighter!
So... I've really been feeling completely worthless in the last few months. I feel like there's no way I can do all that I am responsible for so I don't even try. No really. I don't try. I go, "OMG, I'm responsible for raising Keiren, cleaning the house, laundry, cooking, finances, pets, shopping, keeping up on EVERYTHING and I. Just. Can't. So... I won't. I'll just sit here and let everything go to hell around me and spend a good portion of time griping. Yeah."
BUT... I've been anticipating this series on Money Saving Mom about time management. I read the first few and was like... mmm *shrug*. She was talking about concentrating on what your good at and capable of doing well and dropping everything else that's cluttering your life. That's when that panicky feeling popped up where I'm like, "I'm not good at ANYTHING! I'm just not. The only thing I'm good at is budgeting our money." And then she told us about... the Time Budget. Holy. Frickin'. Crap. So obvious! Why didn't I think of this before??? Oh yeah. Because I've been wallowing for 2.5 years. That's why.
I'm not really ready to set out the Time Budget yet... But it's coming. And it's close. And I'm so excited! This could be really good.
BUT... I've been anticipating this series on Money Saving Mom about time management. I read the first few and was like... mmm *shrug*. She was talking about concentrating on what your good at and capable of doing well and dropping everything else that's cluttering your life. That's when that panicky feeling popped up where I'm like, "I'm not good at ANYTHING! I'm just not. The only thing I'm good at is budgeting our money." And then she told us about... the Time Budget. Holy. Frickin'. Crap. So obvious! Why didn't I think of this before??? Oh yeah. Because I've been wallowing for 2.5 years. That's why.
I'm not really ready to set out the Time Budget yet... But it's coming. And it's close. And I'm so excited! This could be really good.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Weakness is my Strength
I have zero time management skills. ZERO. As I am typing this at 3 a.m., it's a pretty obvious fact. Oh, plus I am LAZY. So the issue of needing at least the framework of a schedule and real work in the time management area is so very much at the top of my list of goals. BUT...
The first little snippet of advice was to find your strengths and let those be your guide in how you manage your time. Unfortunately, I have no strengths. I have a household to run and the only strength I have is weakness. I am weak weak weak. Emotionally, physically, spiritually weak. In every aspect, I do the bare minimum. Bills are paid, we have food, and sometimes we have clean underwear. My daughter is alive and clean. My husband doesn't completely hate me. My eyebrows are actually plucked. But I didn't shower today. Or do dishes.
Okay, what did I do right? Um... I did give Keiren and Josie a bath. Yeah. That's about it. I am so lame, it's not even funny.
The first little snippet of advice was to find your strengths and let those be your guide in how you manage your time. Unfortunately, I have no strengths. I have a household to run and the only strength I have is weakness. I am weak weak weak. Emotionally, physically, spiritually weak. In every aspect, I do the bare minimum. Bills are paid, we have food, and sometimes we have clean underwear. My daughter is alive and clean. My husband doesn't completely hate me. My eyebrows are actually plucked. But I didn't shower today. Or do dishes.
Okay, what did I do right? Um... I did give Keiren and Josie a bath. Yeah. That's about it. I am so lame, it's not even funny.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Silent, Screaming Breakdown
With Billy & Kevin driving back from Cali right now, rushing to a birthday promise, I had to take all the sanity I had left not to go into pissy-pants mode on the phone. And I really didn't have much sanity left. But now it's gone. Maybe not.
I could feel the angry, teary, green-eyed demon trying to sneak out in my voice, but I reeled her in, thank God. I don't think he noticed, but I did. Oooh, that was hard. Then, when I got off the phone, I went in the kitchen, grabbed my Diet Coke and then picked up three pumpkin cookies... and set them down. That was pretty impressive since I HELLA wanted to just go into an eating frenzy. OH WHY must I deal with stress by eating??? Right now, slowly sipping on my soda, I'm not even really hungry. And dinner's coming up, as soon as Bee wakes up. Those cookies would have served no purpose. I had a snack. Now I'm going to have dinner. The cookie inbetweeners just would've soothed me down from the jealously spike. Good Lord, I am a mess.
I am so deep in this ugly identity crisis I don't even know which way is up. I have no drive to do my actual job; I've really tried this week, but I think I'm just spinning my wheels.
I could feel the angry, teary, green-eyed demon trying to sneak out in my voice, but I reeled her in, thank God. I don't think he noticed, but I did. Oooh, that was hard. Then, when I got off the phone, I went in the kitchen, grabbed my Diet Coke and then picked up three pumpkin cookies... and set them down. That was pretty impressive since I HELLA wanted to just go into an eating frenzy. OH WHY must I deal with stress by eating??? Right now, slowly sipping on my soda, I'm not even really hungry. And dinner's coming up, as soon as Bee wakes up. Those cookies would have served no purpose. I had a snack. Now I'm going to have dinner. The cookie inbetweeners just would've soothed me down from the jealously spike. Good Lord, I am a mess.
I am so deep in this ugly identity crisis I don't even know which way is up. I have no drive to do my actual job; I've really tried this week, but I think I'm just spinning my wheels.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Worse. Poorer. Sickness.
The negative side of the vows are pummeling us yet again.
I'm losing my mind.
We're taking a pay cut to the max.
Billy probably has celiac disease.
After the maddening visit to the doctor yesterday that left us with far more questions than answers, Kevin called to say he lost his job.
With everything going on, I really can't take anymore. I really can't. I cried halfway home and prayed my heart out. I. Just. Can't.
I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. I'm not a good homemaker. I'm not good at anything and I feel so alone. And trapped.
I wish I had had a clue back in the day and actually done some spontaneous stuff while I still could. Now I can't. We wasted so many opportunities and it's all my fault. Good thing we took the lifestyle sabbatical or I'd really hate myself for wasting the beginning of us.
I'm losing my mind.
We're taking a pay cut to the max.
Billy probably has celiac disease.
After the maddening visit to the doctor yesterday that left us with far more questions than answers, Kevin called to say he lost his job.
With everything going on, I really can't take anymore. I really can't. I cried halfway home and prayed my heart out. I. Just. Can't.
I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good wife. I'm not a good homemaker. I'm not good at anything and I feel so alone. And trapped.
I wish I had had a clue back in the day and actually done some spontaneous stuff while I still could. Now I can't. We wasted so many opportunities and it's all my fault. Good thing we took the lifestyle sabbatical or I'd really hate myself for wasting the beginning of us.
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