Friday night, Billy and I had it out about everything in our relationship that we've been ignoring pretty much since the Bee was born. There was a lot.
Since then, we've been noticeably happier.
Also, I said "F you" to the straightjacket-esque budgetary restrictions I've been clinging to and dropped cash left and right for a couple days. Oh............ yeah. Oops. I just wish I had bought something interesting for myself before I realized what I was doing. *sigh*
I haven't been brave enough to balance the checkbook yet but I will today. So not looking forward to that one.
So, my goal was to be under $20000 in credit card debt by 25. Um. Didn't make it. Heh. BUT since January, we've paid off 13% of our overall debt. When you look at it that way, it feels a little better. But it still sucks.
All right. I'm going to brush off the dust, go find that damn wagon and get back on it. Even though at this point, I don't really want to.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
And I Quote
"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." ~ Napoleon Hill
This quote is an obvious nod to the fact that all the goals I set for us have crashed and burned or are well on their way to crashing and burning. It's a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, really.
All of this defeat is heightened due to another fact. This would be the fact that in the last 2.5 days, I have been at the lowest of low. After a truly horrendous trip to San Francisco (very very sick Bee), I returned home to then be hit with the stomach flu in force. Of course for me any bit of stomach pain sends me into a tailspin of panic after everything I've been through so I got a little out of control and Billy sent out for reinforcements (my parents). OK, so I asked him to somewhere in the middle of vomiting and a panic attack. Really more so than anything, they were desperately needed to take care of Bee. Since the onset of my sickness, both of my dirty little secrets came to a head - 1) Our house is an atrocious mess and 2) we're way over our heads in credit card debt. Ugh. I guess I should say our house was an atrocious mess. Since Tuesday morning, my mom, dad, aunt and nana have been doing our laundry and scrubbing our house. The embarrassment level is through the roof. >_<
Then my dad talked to Billy on Tuesday and I don't even know how they got on the subject but Billy spilled the beans about our debt. And now they want to help us out. Now I feel almost obligated to take this help. But how much will it help, really? We'll still be in the same amount of debt... A debtload we're struggling to carry but we are carrying it. I know if we don't get approved for financial aid for the most recent bill, we'll be over the top... then it will be necessary for help. And we still owe them $795 from the "payday" loan from May. But Billy wants to take help. And he's the one working his butt off for the paycheck. I obviously have to take his wants and opinions into consideration. And honestly, all pride aside, it just might be the right way to go.
Either way in the last couple days I've felt like the worst daughter, mother and wife - everything I am and I'm failing at it. Horribly. I feel so defeated.
"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better. " ~ Wendell Phillips
This quote is an obvious nod to the fact that all the goals I set for us have crashed and burned or are well on their way to crashing and burning. It's a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, really.
All of this defeat is heightened due to another fact. This would be the fact that in the last 2.5 days, I have been at the lowest of low. After a truly horrendous trip to San Francisco (very very sick Bee), I returned home to then be hit with the stomach flu in force. Of course for me any bit of stomach pain sends me into a tailspin of panic after everything I've been through so I got a little out of control and Billy sent out for reinforcements (my parents). OK, so I asked him to somewhere in the middle of vomiting and a panic attack. Really more so than anything, they were desperately needed to take care of Bee. Since the onset of my sickness, both of my dirty little secrets came to a head - 1) Our house is an atrocious mess and 2) we're way over our heads in credit card debt. Ugh. I guess I should say our house was an atrocious mess. Since Tuesday morning, my mom, dad, aunt and nana have been doing our laundry and scrubbing our house. The embarrassment level is through the roof. >_<
Then my dad talked to Billy on Tuesday and I don't even know how they got on the subject but Billy spilled the beans about our debt. And now they want to help us out. Now I feel almost obligated to take this help. But how much will it help, really? We'll still be in the same amount of debt... A debtload we're struggling to carry but we are carrying it. I know if we don't get approved for financial aid for the most recent bill, we'll be over the top... then it will be necessary for help. And we still owe them $795 from the "payday" loan from May. But Billy wants to take help. And he's the one working his butt off for the paycheck. I obviously have to take his wants and opinions into consideration. And honestly, all pride aside, it just might be the right way to go.
Either way in the last couple days I've felt like the worst daughter, mother and wife - everything I am and I'm failing at it. Horribly. I feel so defeated.
"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better. " ~ Wendell Phillips
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
A Ringing in My Ears
Oh dear Lord my parents left yesterday.
There are bonuses to this I suppose- making a little extra cash being one of the main ones.
Another is attempting to spend more time at my grandma's house.
I think I'm going to be over there as much as possible. This is to get the Bee more used to her Nana more so than anything just in case I have to go back to work. This would give me more child care options. *sigh*
That buzzing around the edges of my mind is becoming more of a ringing in my ears as we struggle to stay afloat. It seems like we're making no progress whatsoever. I know we are. It's just taking forever and the lack of emergency cash is just taking a huge toll.
There are bonuses to this I suppose- making a little extra cash being one of the main ones.
Another is attempting to spend more time at my grandma's house.
I think I'm going to be over there as much as possible. This is to get the Bee more used to her Nana more so than anything just in case I have to go back to work. This would give me more child care options. *sigh*
That buzzing around the edges of my mind is becoming more of a ringing in my ears as we struggle to stay afloat. It seems like we're making no progress whatsoever. I know we are. It's just taking forever and the lack of emergency cash is just taking a huge toll.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Hyperventilating
I am totally chagrined at how dependent I have become on my parents. They are our only child care providers. I see them almost every day. My mom is easily my best friend. I suppose that is not really a bad thing. Except...
They're going to Europe for two and a half weeks starting Monday! *internal scream*
Oh. My. God. What are we going to do without them? They're not even gone yet and I'm counting the days until they get back. Ergh. I cannot believe myself. I'm a big girl but I need my mommy. And the Bee adores them.
The only bonus to this is that I'll be helping to keep their business afloat while they're away so I get to make a little cash to help pay down the "payday loan" we borrowed from them during the Great Paycheck Drought.
In other news, I actually pulled my head out of the sand and really (I mean REALLY) looked at our monthly expenses. It wasn't pretty. Honestly, I shocked we've made it this far through the year. As of this moment, we are $1882 behind. This includes $600 for the mortgage, $450 in outstanding commute expenses and $850 from the "payday loan" minus $18 from surveys and a craigslist sale. The $450 in commute expenses suck the most since Billy's employer is comping his commute for 3 months but so far we've only rotated that money into debt. Gah.
Well, there we are. No better. No worse. The only upside to looking at our finances that way was the realization that if we can keep it up, our medical debt will be GONE in no more that 8 months!! Hurrah! Unless of course we get saddled with having to pay the newest $1900 from Bee's RSV incident. I'm applying for financial aid but I don't have too much optimism there - They only look at your income and not your debts or expenses. Yeah, we could afford to pay that bill back- if we had no other debt. Now I just have to turn it in and cross my fingers.
They're going to Europe for two and a half weeks starting Monday! *internal scream*
Oh. My. God. What are we going to do without them? They're not even gone yet and I'm counting the days until they get back. Ergh. I cannot believe myself. I'm a big girl but I need my mommy. And the Bee adores them.
The only bonus to this is that I'll be helping to keep their business afloat while they're away so I get to make a little cash to help pay down the "payday loan" we borrowed from them during the Great Paycheck Drought.
In other news, I actually pulled my head out of the sand and really (I mean REALLY) looked at our monthly expenses. It wasn't pretty. Honestly, I shocked we've made it this far through the year. As of this moment, we are $1882 behind. This includes $600 for the mortgage, $450 in outstanding commute expenses and $850 from the "payday loan" minus $18 from surveys and a craigslist sale. The $450 in commute expenses suck the most since Billy's employer is comping his commute for 3 months but so far we've only rotated that money into debt. Gah.
Well, there we are. No better. No worse. The only upside to looking at our finances that way was the realization that if we can keep it up, our medical debt will be GONE in no more that 8 months!! Hurrah! Unless of course we get saddled with having to pay the newest $1900 from Bee's RSV incident. I'm applying for financial aid but I don't have too much optimism there - They only look at your income and not your debts or expenses. Yeah, we could afford to pay that bill back- if we had no other debt. Now I just have to turn it in and cross my fingers.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Punch In The Face!
It's been a year of firsts. Not only with Bee and all her cute toddler firsts. No, unfortunately this has been a year of financial "punch in the face" firsts.
First overdraft.
First rejected credit application.
First brush with a collections agency.
And newest to our list:
First letter threatening termination of electric service!!!
Yay us... haha.
Also, today we received the bill for Bee's trip to the ER with RSV in March. Darn near TWO THOUSAND dollars. I've been fighting medical bills from last year so deeply into this year, I didn't even realize that we hadn't even made a tiny dent in 2009's deductible. Frickin' deductible. Health insurance SUCKS! What a joke.
First overdraft.
First rejected credit application.
First brush with a collections agency.
And newest to our list:
First letter threatening termination of electric service!!!
Yay us... haha.
Also, today we received the bill for Bee's trip to the ER with RSV in March. Darn near TWO THOUSAND dollars. I've been fighting medical bills from last year so deeply into this year, I didn't even realize that we hadn't even made a tiny dent in 2009's deductible. Frickin' deductible. Health insurance SUCKS! What a joke.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Hey Your Consumerism is Showing
Confession: I am a bad daughter.
Quickie explanation: My parents raised me to be spiritual, love God and live that way. It stuck. Their religion did not. That's a LONG story. Anyway, from time to time, we go to meeting with them and allow them to take Bee fairly regularly. I am a bad daughter because I think I'm slightly leading them on whenever we go to meeting... It pains me to see them so happy that we're there.
But that is neither here nor there with today's dilemma.
We're going to the convention.
This religion calls for men in suits and women in dresses. No exceptions.
I have decided to attend the convention with them in July for two reasons - 1: I think three full days of spiritual guidance makes up for the rest of the year when we don't go to church and 2: It's a punkass way to have a free mini-vacation. >_< (See? Bad daughter.) Anyway, Bee has outgrown all her infant dress shoes that she wore maybe once or twice. I decided to look at oldnavy.com for ONE pair since I have a $10 gift certificate. Instead, I found three. And a cute dress. Oh and a couple of cute skirts that I would love to have... I felt my whole body and soul yearning desperately to just slap these on the Old Navy credit card... No biggie right? Even now I feel a pull to just buy them. "Oh why not?" says the Plastic Princess in my mind as she sits up and peers out of the cell in the little prison I put her into in January. "You need to look nice... and don't you want to show off your beautiful baby? Don't you???" She sticks the Old Navy card out of the bars and shakes it a little. It sparkles. "It's just a little... $60...ish? With what? $7 shipping? What's the big deal, hmmmmm?"
It's terrible. I still want to go "Yes! Give me the credit card! I'm buying this stuff! Hurray!" But I'm not going to. I'm going to keep it together. We have time to figure out how to get dress shoes without using the credit card.
Quickie explanation: My parents raised me to be spiritual, love God and live that way. It stuck. Their religion did not. That's a LONG story. Anyway, from time to time, we go to meeting with them and allow them to take Bee fairly regularly. I am a bad daughter because I think I'm slightly leading them on whenever we go to meeting... It pains me to see them so happy that we're there.
But that is neither here nor there with today's dilemma.
We're going to the convention.
This religion calls for men in suits and women in dresses. No exceptions.
I have decided to attend the convention with them in July for two reasons - 1: I think three full days of spiritual guidance makes up for the rest of the year when we don't go to church and 2: It's a punkass way to have a free mini-vacation. >_< (See? Bad daughter.) Anyway, Bee has outgrown all her infant dress shoes that she wore maybe once or twice. I decided to look at oldnavy.com for ONE pair since I have a $10 gift certificate. Instead, I found three. And a cute dress. Oh and a couple of cute skirts that I would love to have... I felt my whole body and soul yearning desperately to just slap these on the Old Navy credit card... No biggie right? Even now I feel a pull to just buy them. "Oh why not?" says the Plastic Princess in my mind as she sits up and peers out of the cell in the little prison I put her into in January. "You need to look nice... and don't you want to show off your beautiful baby? Don't you???" She sticks the Old Navy card out of the bars and shakes it a little. It sparkles. "It's just a little... $60...ish? With what? $7 shipping? What's the big deal, hmmmmm?"
It's terrible. I still want to go "Yes! Give me the credit card! I'm buying this stuff! Hurray!" But I'm not going to. I'm going to keep it together. We have time to figure out how to get dress shoes without using the credit card.
SAHM do, SAHM don't
We're coming to a point where the idea of going back to work is buzzing around the edges of my mind. I know I've been hopelessly blessed to have been home with Bee this last year and I would desperately like to stay right where I am. Nearly every working mom I've ever met really just wants to be home with their babies. (All but one!) But... money.
Ultimately, we're only falling behind on medical bills at the moment but every time I check the mail, it feels like they're leaping out at me to eat my soul.
We're not behind on our mortgage. Or utilities.
I have no idea where we're going to come up with the $440 we're short to pay our health insurance premium that comes due July 4.
Pretty much... I can't contstitute going back to work. Yet. But one more medical bill or small(ish) emergency is going to set us over the edge. So thus, the returning to work idea is just a buzzing in the brain and not yet an all consuming thought.
I think I might be throwing ALL my goals out the window pretty quickly here... I think I'm going to put all my efforts into saying "Buh-bye!" to our medical debt.
Every financial adviser in the world would let out a collective scream at that idea - the credit card debt is collecting about $250 in interest every month and the medical debt is interest free. Why in the world would I try to pay it off first???
Because:
Ultimately, we're only falling behind on medical bills at the moment but every time I check the mail, it feels like they're leaping out at me to eat my soul.
We're not behind on our mortgage. Or utilities.
I have no idea where we're going to come up with the $440 we're short to pay our health insurance premium that comes due July 4.
Pretty much... I can't contstitute going back to work. Yet. But one more medical bill or small(ish) emergency is going to set us over the edge. So thus, the returning to work idea is just a buzzing in the brain and not yet an all consuming thought.
I think I might be throwing ALL my goals out the window pretty quickly here... I think I'm going to put all my efforts into saying "Buh-bye!" to our medical debt.
Every financial adviser in the world would let out a collective scream at that idea - the credit card debt is collecting about $250 in interest every month and the medical debt is interest free. Why in the world would I try to pay it off first???
Because:
- I'm fairly emotionally detached from the credit card debt. Yeah we hate the stupid couches we bought for WAY too much money and we definitely should've shopped around before sinking $5000 into a water filtration system. BUT we use the couches and the water everyday. We had fun on vacation. Eating out made us happy.
- On the other hand, every medical bill is a bad memory. I hate being reminded of the horrors of the hospital that we've had to face. I hate that I had to fight on a daily basis for the first 9 months of my daughter's life to get the stupid insurance to pay even a fraction of those bills. When I pay for her birth, I'm reminded that I'm paying so much because my body almost killed my baby and it cost an awful lot to keep her alive. When I pay for her stay in the nursery, I'm reminded that I couldn't take care of her at first, I was too weak. I should be able to detach myself from it like I did the credit card debt but I'm still reeling from it. Post traumatic stress is a bitch.
I don't know what to do. Financially and emotionally torn... What a mess.
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