RetroPost: 6.27.05

{Saved from Xanga} It seems as tho' we've been able to skip over my last indiscretion. Billy left well enough alone- so I didn't persue the situation. Hopefully I can figure myself out. In lieu of fighting, we ended up having a kick ass Sunday together. We started out our day sleeping in. Upon walking out into our disastrous living room and seeing all the dog hair everywhere, I decided it was Doggy Bath Time. I got into my swimsuit and grabbed Raven, but I couldn't get her collar off which brought me to Billy who decided me in my swimsuit was just too much sexinessesses... and he had his way with me... Then we took a nap... After our nap, I actually got around to washing the dogs. Raven picked out the oatmeal shampoo that smelled awesome. In washing them, I found out where all the hair was coming from... Puka!!! Good God! After cleaning out the shower and taking one myself, we had a PB&J breakfast while watching Knight's Tale. Yay! Then, Billy decided he wanted to clean the house, an idea I was none to keen on. We settled on cleaning his room together and then seeing where we went from there. We hella got his room looking kick ass- mainly because part way through I decided when were done we should go to Reno and buy Spiral and get spring rolls. That totally got us going so we could get to Best Buy in time. Which we did. Then we had an awesome time in Reno together. We got Spiral (woot!) and an Asian horror movie. I'm so addicted... Then we had Taco Bell for lunch (hee hee) and stopped by Pho for our dinner for later. From there it was the Asian store for candy which seemed great until this morning when I tried to enjoy my iced coffee.. expiration date: May 18. GROSS!!! So now I don't know if I trust them anymore... So, anyway, we went home and cleaned the whole frickin' house practically. All I have to do now is our room including the bathroom and closet and my room and of course general organizing of cupboards and whatnot. I'll probably get a lot done tonight even! So... while Billy straightened the shed, I picked up an entire garbage bag full of trash that the dogs dragged outside!!! Slobs... (us and the dogs!) Then, we watched our anime until sleepy time! What an awesome day. I'm not usually one for journal entries that are a blow by blow of my day, but it was the most relaxed I've been in ages and I want to remember it... Hurrah! ~Serenidy~

RetroPost: 6.25.05

{Saved from Xanga} Well, here it is... the weekend. But here I am... at my parents' house still in my jammies wondering if Billy is still pissed off at me. This is a situation that just keeps popping up... it always has ever since we moved in together nearly three years ago. Sometimes, I just really don't want to be touched. Billy always wants to touch me. Actually, it's not so much being touched- I like that. It's how he touches me. A caress here, a little kiss there... that's cool and makes me feel loved. When he grabbed me last night, I knew that the point was he wanted to "make love". But like I said before, when it was forbidden and exciting, I was all for it. Now that it's expected, seeing as we're married, I could take it or leave it. Sometimes, it's fun and wonderful. Usually, it's not. I've never said that straightforward, it would kill him. It pisses him off so bad when I push him away. I expect that this day is going to be spent convicing him of... something. But I don't know how to explain it to him. "I'm sorry but when you grab me like that I think you'll want sex and I rarely want to have sex with you so please stop and we'll have a good relationship. Talk to me when we're ready to have kids. Then we'll see." ...? I don't think so. That would kill any shred of a possiblility that our marriage could be happy. Honestly, I don't know how to fix it. I HATE being tickled. I HATE being carressed when I just want to be left alone. I HATE telling him to stop and seeing the crestfallen look on his face, knowing the one he wants doesn't want him. He pushes too hard. I told him that once. It turned into a two day fight. I don't want that again but he won't listen to me. I sound crazy. I am crazy. We haven't even been married two years. How can I deal with this problem for the rest of my life?!?

RetroPost: 6.24.05

{Saved from Xanga} Soooo... yeah, I think I'm really sick of this particular job. It's been a year and I have more responsibilities than my pay equals. Give me eight bucks, I'll give you eight bucks worth of work then I'm done. I'm here for the paycheck ONLY. I'm not going to go above and beyond for something that is so trivial in my life. Granted, I really like being a teller and I'm good at it. Do I ever want to be a loan officer? No. Anyway, when I was receptionist, I'd do their busy work... That was my job. It's not anymore. I'll do it when you hand it to me but I won't like it! And don't give me a song and dance about how to file the frickin' denials!!! I don't care how important it is- I just found a stack of them that have been in a drawer for easily a month and I don't see anyone asking for them. I didn't mean to leave them in a drawer, I was pretty surprised to see them at all. Either way, it was proven how trivial that was too. I'm so sick of working in general. Leave me be and let me be a teller. (Sorry for the vent.- Good God, is it the weekend yet???) ~Jilli~ Sidenote of life: I'm assuming that our future baby will be a Gerber Baby just as our "babies" now are Purina Pets. We're name brand parents.

RetroPost: 6.23.05

{Saved from Xanga} I think I could've been in a good mood today if I didn't have OBLIGATIONS tonight. I want friends, (who doesn't) but this is getting really ridiculous. What they don't understand is the difference of a shite-y high school relationship and my total bitchness as a friend, and a marriage complete with a non stop kind of life with responsibilities. Now is the worst time ever to try to repair this friendship... I know it's all a big misunderstanding that has never had the chance to be explained in the last three years, but not tonight!!! I'm still trying to keep Billy happy since I've been being a bad wife while at the same time trying to repair the friendship that needed work like 4 years ago. Four years ago to the day actually. Yup. I'm so sick of this bullshit. I don't even know if it's worth it at all. And all this in the wee hours (well, days) before JUNE 30. 'Nuff said... ARGH!!!! Help me please. I can't take it anymore!!! Jill!

RetroPost: 6.21.05

{Saved from Xanga} I am feeling exceptionally BLAH today. My day started with yet another blast from the past... Whitney Goings, my little boy band friend of freshman year, came in to pay her mom's loan. It was cool to see her after all this time but it totally slammed me into the wall that blocks me from having really good self esteem... The last three years has taken her from cute high school girl to completely gorgeous college chick. There was a few seconds before she figured out who I was, out of context and all that, but when she said, "I didn't even recognize you!" I got so self conscious I didn't even know how to deal with it. I'm thinking, "Yeah... that's what an extra 40 pounds and total exhaustion in life will do to ya..." Which has been resounding in my head all day and being the person that I have become, I fed it with chocolate at lunch and will continue to feed it with ice cream later this afternoon. Good Lord, I'm in such a downward spiral... help me please... , Jill

RetroPost: Back Again

{Saved from The Nest} Trying to get back into the mix of things, always seems hard. I think I need another vacation, yes already. ^_^ but yeah dealing with work and martial arts takes up all my time. I'd love to just forget it all, and do nothing... oh well. Well my wife and I are getting close to our 2nd anniversay. Wonder what we'll do? At this point we got no clue. At least we are getting better at talking once more. Things seemed to hit a wall on our communication to each other, not sure what happened all I know was something would happen, then it would be my fault, then later on it wouldn't be. I wasn't sure if I was to be upset or sorry? So thats slowly being taken care of thankfully. Not sure I could take much more....-_-;;; But now things are moving forward again, as we both can't wait to see each other at the end of the day cause lunch would have been 3 hours before that. I love being in love! Its great. It makes me stronger and gives me confidince in myself and in my relationship. Seeing all those peole who are just married and have no love, their misserable sad little exsistace hanging on by the 4 letter word “Love” by neither of which really mean, but still rarely use. I cna't think of a day when Jill and I haven't said “I love you” less than 3 times a day. So yeah its good! I Love you baby! Billy

RetroPost: 6.20.05

{Saved from Xanga} Laundry... almost done. House... dirty. Not completely. Stomach... empty. Not entirely looking forward to sub sandwich provided by the workplace. Today is supposedly "Employee Appreciation Day". I will feel appreciated if 1) I get a raise or 2) I actually get drawn in the drawing for a nifty summertime prize. One week and one day until my official one-year anniversary here. I was antsy for a raise 6 months ago. Compensation problems. Yup yup yup. Well, anyway. I get to go home again tonight and do more laundry!!! Almost lunchtime. One step closer to... laundry. Could be worse. Hey, I'm even sorta looking forward to it. -K- I'm too hyped for lunch to write anymore... Jilli