Tumbling Through

How strange it is that I have left this abandoned through this year. The year of uncertainty.
In just one week my Bee starts kindergarten. One week left of everything I know and we tumble on to the unknown. My parents held me back until I was 6. I understand why. She's just 5- how can I set her free in this way? I will miss her terribly. This makes being a parent far more real.
I have a friend. Emily. The little sister of the family I cannot escape. So very strange. It alters my perception of all things.
While still getting checks of a certain amount, the business is faltering. We remain uncertain. Where we will be and what it will look like is a grey area we are not allowed to see at this time.
I have gained an obscene amount of weight back. Not all the way to the worst, but well on my way. Finding the motivation to start all over again is a heavy burden to sludge through.
My parents are a constant annoyance to me. To us. More so than expected. We broached the subject of holidays in October and things have never been the same. Not that they were good. Now it's just worse. How can this be? They have no bearing in my day to day life. Why do I let them make me feel this way? Many things they do, say, think are so ridiculous, it's unbelievable.
I am 29. One year to 30. Both afraid and intrigued.
Around every turn is uncertainty.

The Summer. So far.

I've been thinking lately that I am a la-ay-ay-ay-ZEE mom. It's true. I suck. And the kiddo is FOUR. Being a stay-at-home mama is the job I've held the longest. EVER. And I've never embraced it properly or figured out what I'm doing. I just fall through the day willy-nilly like I'm not responsible for a HUMAN BEING. What the what? So, there it is. Anyway, I'm not getting better by leaps and bounds but I've decided to document the summer for all it is in hopes that I can find my motherly self in the mix. And it's the last summer where we don't have to think about school and big kid things like that and the first summer where she seems like a real live kid, not a baby. Not a toddler. A kid. And so. June. According to Phineas and Ferb, there is 104 days of summer vacation. I don't catch what days that's including. To me summer is June 1-August 31. 92 days. And how. And so I document them for what they are.

When You're Alone and Life is Making You Lonely

I'm there again. Down Town. Not downtown, where all the lights are bright. Down Town. An ironically cute name for the place I go in my head when I feel like shit. Where I don't give a shit about what I put in my body, what state my house is in, whether anyone has clean clothes, whether I showered lately. Actually, not true. I DO give a shit. Because I hate myself for all these things. I hate myself for filling my body with junk and not exercising. I hate that the house is atrocious. I hate that the closet is carpeted in dirty clothes. I hate that my hair is limp and my legs are stubbly. But I just can't make myself do anything about it. I have VERY few friends. And they like me. A lot. But I try to forget that they actually have friends that aren't me. Circles of them. And they go and do things with them in ways that I can't be involved. So I'm stuck. Alone. With the kid. Which is depressing. Depressing because I'm stuck with the kid. And also depressing that I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm just using the kid as an excuse to be pissed off.

And Twelve

Life has run full force into a cavalcade of A DECADE. Ten years with Billy. Ten years since graduation. Ten years since the beginning of everything that is now.

Now I'm even more motivated to kick the last two goals of my weight loss party. I've completely stagnated at 160. Considering I kept off the weight I did lose, well, things could be worse. ^_^ But stagnating so close to Goal #2 is a little lame. I would like to be there by the end of the month. Ultimately, I would like to be at my high school weight by June- ten years exactly since graduating. Ten years.

August? WTF?

So I'm crazy surprised that I've gone this long without writing anything. Since the last time I wrote, we've Insanity-ed up and now we're slackin'... But! I lost 23 ugly, nasty pounds! When we started, I set a trifecta of goals to hit: Pre-Baby Weight, Wedding Weight, High School Weight. I hit Pre-Baby Weight in the first month of Insanity! Right now, I'm 5 pounds away from wedding weight. I went from a (tight) size 16 to a size 12. I don't know why we've been slacking as long as we have especially since I'm so close to Wedding Weight. Luckily, I haven't gained any weight back during the laziness. One way or another, I am thrilled! My biggest push is that there are a series of perks in the next few pounds: At 156, I'll have lost 27 pounds! At 155, I'll be at my Wedding Weight! At 154, I'm no longer considered overweight! So frickin' close! Woot!

Pudgy Around the Edges

I can sit still and breathe silently.
I can climb at least four flights of stairs without wanting to die.
I can still shop at regular stores.
But.
I can blitz out a bag of Doritos without thought.
I can justify my bad decisions.
I can gain back all I've lost across three weeks in five days.

It is so unfair that I've wasted my 20s being completely fat. It's so unfair that I didn't get to be one of those people that was just thin without thought. This is the time my metabolism should be working for me but NO. I've just screwed up my body time and again and I'm too damn selfish and lazy to work for it. And keep up with it forever. Suck suck suck.

Insanity

Over a dinner at McDonald's, Billy talked me into doing the Insanity workout with him. He didn't try to, I kind of initiated it, but here we are. We're working up to it at the moment and I'm kinda freaking out about it. We've been waking up early and working out for two weeks now. Today we skipped the workout and have been working on pushups. I've done 50 pushups today. That is exactly 50 more pushups than I've done in the last 10 years. ^_^;;
Anyway, we're dabbling in better eating habits as well. So far, though right now my muscles are aching, I haven't been super thrilled with the results. I dropped some weight last week, but it's rebounded this week. I'm going to see this through with Billy, but I have this tickly feeling in the back of my brain that thinks I'm not going to see any difference even after pushing myself more than I have in almost a decade. *sigh* If I do all this, and I'm still hovering around 180 pounds I will be PISSED.
It's not helping that I'm quietly becoming a hypochondriac. Headaches in weird places? Potential aneursym or brain tumor. Strange tingling in my back? MS. Everything else? Flat out terror that I'm pregnant. I am constantly afraid something medical is going to happen to me. It's so not fair that I have this fear.